Eventually.

My room is in a mess. The nights were tormenting. I couldn't get decent rest no more. Each night I lie awake on my bed awaiting daybreak. It was hell on Mother Earth. I toss; 3:14. I turned; 3:25. Blink blink; 3:45. Still no sleep. Time passes by like snail mail and it's frightening that way and I can't stop wondering if there's something wrong with me. Really wrong.

Maybe I'm stressed up, maybe I'm having issues. These days, I've been relying a lot on the surround sound system in my room. It's almost like a habit, some kind of routine I gotta keep up nightly. My player churns out slow soft rock tracks trying to coax me to sleep like a newborn baby. It's the best I can come out with ever since I'm having a dilemma. You see , having to pick which hand to pen words down is simply no choice at all. It's like more of getting used to it. I'm trying hard to. I couldn't pick up a pen without thinking that it's no longer the same anymore. Confused my friend? So am I.

So am I.

Let me just break this down a little more for you. Picture this, if the one thing you worked so hard for all these years, all the sweet sacrifices you gave for it and the only thing you so faithfully believe in took a turn around and stabs right back at you. How will you feel? Probably like this, maybe even worst. That's not what matters though , because life still goes and all you gotta do is just live with it. Yeah , if only it was that easy. So what is it you asked ?

Ladies and gentlemen; it's my art, my passion.

Maybe it feels lame to you but it has been with me for ages and it's not that easy to give it up just like that. It's already a part of me now. Not especially when I made known my decision to give it up due to circumstances and rationality. Then someone came along and told me that she thought the poetry I wrote was pretty good and she used to do pure lit. It was pure sweet compliment, I thank you much and that pretty much shake my decision to shut this site down for good just because I thought my art is dead. I just don't feel like drawing and writing no more , you know?

Not anymore. I mean, how could I ?

Just because it's a whole lot easier idea to give this all up and concentrate on my future studies and make my future studies my whole idea of passion. Passion; future degree. Hobby; future degree. That way, it ceases the pain to the minimal. Suddenly, the idea of taking the easy way out seems so appealing to me now. God, I hate myself. So I allow myself to plunge.

When my world is reduced to a miserable diminishing candlelight, somebody with a Zippo came along and fired it up, bringing me back instantly. The necromancy to conjure a dance of the dead. I rise. You don't have to do this, you don't have to. My head kept telling me. It's like a stranger coming along and helped a fellow man getting up on his feet. The pat on the back in this critical moment. Feels good; feels like forever. Thank you so much.

A trip down memory lane brings me back a year ago where my man, Justin was talking to me about fulfilling our dreams. Maybe during that period of time, we were given a choice but sometimes you don't get to pick, life chooses you. Now, both of us are on en route to something else. How ironic my dear friend. It all feels like yesterday, good old yesterday.

So eventually I got over it, realised that sometimes we simply don't have a choice. Just have to do what's right but what really is? I don't know man. I seriously don't. But what I do know is when life deals you a bad hand, take it and show you're worth of the challenge.

And there's no such thing as giving up, only weakness.



Not all heroes stand tall.


Note: I had wanted to name this as 'Death in the family' but Marvel already holds the honor to that title. I'm quite a Batman fan since a child and there's never really an issue about Alferd's death but this is how it feels like now. Vulnerability. God damn vulnerability. It's almost the perfect timing to kill me now. This , my dear viewers is my comeback piece. Because it's a whole lot easier to accept the fact that my art is no good and I'm rejected but that didn't happen. Sorry. What will Batman be without Alferd? Where will I be without Art School? I guess both Bat and I share a common here , learning to live with it. I hope you like this piece though. It's by far the truest piece and the one I seriously feel about it , maybe it's nothing much to you but it's a hell lot to me. Looks like I'm not gonna give up after all, I just need some time to adjust. Do click on it for full view though, there's texture on the piece , not a case of lousy scan mind you. May the Angels watch over your sleep.

Yours truly, J.
Goodnight, ladies and gentlemen.