if only..

2008-09-03T12:25:00.004+08:00

Duality.Black.Rayban.

06:20
Johnson, wake up Johnson.
Oh, what the hell. Ain't it only 6 in the morning? Johnson , come on.
The unfamiliar voice kept ringing through my head, as if this city ain't crazy enough, now it's creeping right into my head.

06:25
Can't beat the nagging voice in my head, might as well wake up and beat it to a pulp. I reached for my cell just in case it's not my head and realized it wasn't even turned on in the first place. Now , that's funny. I have a random phantom roaming around my place? Didn't know the nightmare before Christmas came early this December. Life's full of surprises ain't it? Know that old saying about when life keep giving you salt? or was it lemons? Just shut up and be glad that least it's edible. I took a quick glance at my watch

06:30
God turned on the switches, the sun rise gently and everything snapped to life slowly. Everything except me. Rough night, insomnia and enough problems to write an Autobiography and now somebody had to brutally turn on my switch.
"Alright, who the hell was that?" "Before I get real mad and start shooting at dark spots in my room."

Total silence.
Despite the god-given sunrise, I switch on all the switches just to be sure that I don't miss a single dark spot yet there' still nobody in sight.

"So, we're playing hide and seek now eh?"
"Alright, house rule, whoever being found gets a complementary lead buffet for free, how you like that?"
I reached for the .45 under my bed and praise myself for being wise enough to hide one.One mad man. One .45 under the bed and every cupboard and door opened. Still no one in sight. Now, I'm really pissed but my senses came back. The truth is, if that somebody wanted to hurt me or so, I could easily be dead now.

"Damn, so what is it? "Oh god Johnson, looks like this Duality job of yours is indeed driving you to the edge."
I took a deep breathe and sat on my bed to think this through. How the hell do they do that man? How did Stephen King maintain a life and write a horror story that sells faster than hotcakes? Ever since I tried to paint dark imagery that sells like a compliment beside the hotcake, I'm having all sort of issues. It's like every single time I tried to lead a normal happy life and still trying to get my fingers into the 'darkness' , they'll exploit me with a price higher than the yearly taxes. Every time a major setback hits my life , a part of me dies with it , it's coming to the point that I'm going to have nothing left to die with it. Let's not even start counting how many setbacks hits my life. I hate going down that memory lane.

07:00
I took a quick look at the clock and realized I've been playing with myself for too long. Time to really get up Johnson. Maybe that's a hint from God. So I went to wash up and open my wardrobe full of black clothes. Hey , what do you know? No need to pick. Entertaining myself with that little bit of pathetic humor and putting on my pair of RayBan , I decided to go meet the real world.
"Ok , John , Say hello to the day where craziness is the only thing being sane in the city."

07:15
Note: Good morning ladies and gentlemen, J. wanted to describe an early morning a little crazier than the usual. Hope you enjoy it.

2008-08-27T19:12:00.002+08:00

Way too little , far too late.

It's been rather difficult to write something these days, within the busy schedule and work life, there's almost no time to sit down and write something decent and many things have changed lately. Well, at least in J.'s view. Cut to the chase , what J.'s trying to say that it is different now to be able to stand on both sides and view things from both areas now. It's like being able to be the shoemaker and the user at the same time, there's so much problems you see now than before. Yet, in the midst of working hard to achieve something in life , J. lost a lot too. For instance, he hardly see his friends that much anymore, it's mostly meeting , planning and a whole lot of other problems you simply cant put down in a few words. He would genuinely like to express his feeling of missing for all his friends and apologies that nothing decent came out of him lately. One thing is for sure though , even though he hardly has time to do his usual art lately , he's still doing art. Well , just for the 'corporate' companies this time round. Before he gets too politically incorrectly or corrupted , he'll like to assure you he'll make a good piece soon , in the meanwhile, he will like to wish all his friends well.

2008-06-07T14:12:00.007+08:00

If this was an ordinary Blog...

Today , I went to the zoologicalbirdpark. (which is which, go figure) It was so exciting, flowers all around, people busy trying to make out and others curiously standing and watch.

OMG. And I brought this online from Ebay! It's so cool. I can't wait for it to arrive! I think it's shipped from Holidizian or something. Here's a picture of it.

(not the ribbons thou, just the hair, the ribbons comes as a compliment gift) Oh and btw, it's tues again and I love tues 'cause My name is Earl is showing on tv. I absolutely love that Randy guy and I don't care what you say about Him. Period.

(that's him alright)

And so I started reading Revolver again. I totally miss it! Yes , I'm absolutely in love with the mag again. Gosh.

(*Due to unforeseen circumstances, J. has fainted and was hospitalized and hence this entry has to be discontinued.)

Disclaimer: First of all, Holidizian is not a country (if you noticed, doesn't even exist). No purchase of hair was really brought nor harm in this case of the entry. My name is Earl is nice , Karma is nice , Earl's funny, Randy ? (think not). Revolver's a rock magazine by the way.

References taken from , pinkgirlyme.xanga.com , mophairrules.blogspot, emoskinnyjeans , whinnypunypunks, spoongeboobsforever.com. (no emo boys are hurt in the process even thou they're still crying for god knows why)

2008-05-28T16:42:00.003+08:00

How long has it been?
It's been way way too long since the last piece. Hoping to do something new for a change, he hopes u guys will like this. By the way, this was created to be much bigger but because u will actually have to stand a little further to see the whole picture , J. took the liberty of resizing it so u can sit on the comfort of your chair and still see it without moving.

Tools : Photoshop
Reference : Picture of the flag
Time: longer than expected (mostly due to the seeking of icons)

Reminds me of an old Rammstein song :

"We're all living in America
Coca-Cola, Wonderbra
We're all living in America
America, America

This is not a love song
This is not a love song
I don't sing my mother tongue
No, This is not a love song"

Hope u will fancy this piece. Keep checking , more new works coming up.

2008-05-13T15:21:00.005+08:00

Red skinny jean over my head.

I know you have been waiting. The long anticipated winner of (honestly) nothing else and 'one' time self-acclaimed motion pictures of the year literally. Let's hear it for.. J. (we do mean motion pictures as in moving graphics actually)

"Thank u, thank u. Honestly, i don't deserve that." Actually , J. apologise for his absence in the past few weeks. He has been awfully busy. To keep this site up and to show that it's not dying just yet. He decided to post a little something for his viewers. First up, let's do Fashionmatics 101. In regards to the recent hike of red skinny jeans all over the streets, (what's up with that man?) not to be confused with the ALSO recent hike of oil prices though.

Before we go on with Fashionmatics , we will require you to answer the following question truthfully. (by that, we mean putting your right hand on the bible) Ok, now we're done with the honesty part , let's go on to the questions:

1) Do you own any skinnies? (skinny animals and teddies not inclusive) Proceed to ques 10 if you're a female. [Yes/No]

2) Do you ACTUALLY know what does a skinny jeans look like ? skip to ques 100 if you don't or refer to the diagram at the bottom of this entry. [Yes/No]

3) Do you own a pair of red skinny ? [Yes/No]

4) Was it a present from Santa clause? If Yes , skip to Ques 10 [Yes/No]

5) When was the last time you saw someone in a pair of skinnies? [5mins ago/An hour/Yesterday/Can't rem]

6) Do you listen to music that has only 4 chords and a guy (often sounding otherwise) singing it feels like he's about to cry anytime soon ? [Yes/No]

7) Do you actually know skinnies are made for ladies ? [Yes/No]

8) If you are refer here previously , you're exempted from Fashionmatics 101.

If you answered more than 4 Yes in the previous survey, you'll be required to take up the following module, Fashionmatics 101 to prevent the future of skinny jeans and femaline wear from falling into a state of disdain due to the lack of knowledge in the field.

Here's a few simple (fashionmatical) rules to rem:

Fat legs + Skinny jeans = No GO
Fat thighs + Size 40 Skinnies = No GO *who the fuck wanna look at your ass crack?*
Skinny legs + Red/Pink/Green/Purple Skinnies = No GO
Fat legs + Red/Pink/Green/Purple Skinnies = Please , do i even have to go there?
Skinny legs + group of boys wearing skinnies TOGETHER = those whom says Go. Please , go to hell.

Now that we're clear about the goes and no goes, we just have to get the bottom line straight. It's that simple and i'll say it once more , SKINNIES are made for girls. Period. (please spare a thought for the chances that your parents will want to have a grandchild in the future) Get it ? Unless you think you look way way way cooler than me with your red skinnies over my head.

(Picture inspired by JW)

Note: Honestly , who the hell told you skinnies are only meant for the legs? I like it over my head. Problems? Use the tag board to your full advantage.

2008-04-18T21:19:00.002+08:00

Old MacDonald had a restaurant, ee-eye, ee-eye oh
And in that restaurant he had a burger, ee-eye, ee-eye oh
With a bite , bite here and a bite, bite there
Here bite, there bite
Everywhere a bite, bite
Old MacDonald had a restaurant, ee-eye, ee-eye oh

Old MacDonald had a menu, ee-eye, ee-eye oh
And on that menu he had some fries, ee-eye, ee-eye oh
With a shake, shake here and a shake, shake there
Here a shake, there a shake
Everywhere a shake, shake
A bite, bite here and a bite, bite there
Here a bite, there a bite
Everywhere a bite, bite
Old MacDonald had a restaurant, ee-eye, ee-eye oh

All around the world he ran the restaurant, ee-eye, ee-eye oh
And in his restaurant he rear fat kids, ee-eye, ee-eye oh
With a french fries here, burgers there, here shake ,
there bite, shake , bite , slurp here
A coke here and a coke there. Coke here , coke there ,
Everywhere coke, coke
Old MacDonald had a restaurant, ee-eye, ee-eye oh

AND everybody love O'MacDonald, till we have a statue of him oh!

Note: I know , so superficially lame. But hey , don't we all love it? :D

2008-04-11T22:38:00.003+08:00

First of all , J. will like to apologise for taking almost forever and producing only such a raw sketch of definitely nothing incredible at all. It was an easy choice between a finished NYC painting and a raw sketch yet he has choosen this instead. Mainly because by posting it here online, he'll feel the amounting pressure to finish it up in time to come and not take his own sweet time on it and partly because he's indeed awfully caught up with stuff lately. Secondly, J. will like to assure his site is not dead even though the obvious lack of posts seem to be otherwise but he rather do quality work than quantity so please give him some time, there's sketches here and there. Minor but not insignificant stuff , with a little work on it, it should turn out just fine. Bear with him a little and do keep checking this space for updates. For now , he hopes you will like this raw piece. Btw, it's titled "Silence".

2008-03-21T02:55:00.002+08:00

dniwer

Rewind. Rewind. 81 days, 10 hours , 23 mins and 4 seconds into the year 2008. Hate to admit it but time really flies. It's been rather hard to get inspired lately as my brain has been taught other stuff besides drawing. Toyed with the thought of giving up creativity and specialise (focus on tasks at hand) but it always come back to square one. Back here. Like an old piano still trying to strike a harmonic chord, yet the off-tune melody only brings back hardship and memories that should have stayed.

Why all that bitterness? Some things are better left that way. The reason for writing was often unknown. Was it that undeniable desire to pen down the state of mind during a certain period of time? or was it the nomadic behaviour of our forefathers generically rooted within our primitive self urging us to do what cave-men did best; painting on the wall just so somebody will see it one day. I'm afraid that's one question without any answer. The fallacy in all of us to believe in something; anything, is no doubt what makes us human. For instance , hope. Don't we all do that a little too often? Not to declare myself as an anti-believer but reckoning that believing is just a psychological aspect of homo sephia behaviour that dated since pre-historical times, I take only as little as I find. What is it today that requires that much talk of philosophy? Surely, it wasn't karma trying to take another stab at me (we sign the peace treaty for now) nor irony stop poking fun at me, certainty not because I've decided to call it quits either.

For once, the frequent viewers of this deep white cyber space deserve to know a bit more about the pen-master, the man behind the curtain. A little side-tracked information about him. Just a little. And lastly, because someone is leaving and asked for something to be inspired upon. Not much to offer sadly but I dug up a little something nonetheless. A little something you asked for , old friend, from my little black book of random muses. For a certain somebody whom wrote on a piece of paper at a burger shop lately (you know who you are) As promised, with a little touch of sugar and no lemons included. Hope you'll like this one.

Those Eyes.

Someone came and took my heart,
How cruel , how cruel of her,
And of all the thou'sand eyes I met
Really was none like those of hers
O' darling haven't you heard ?
No matter how superficially beautiful,
it's only in the eyes of the beholder..

2008-03-01T19:41:00.003+08:00

The feeling that none of this happened before.

It felt like total darkness. Sand ran against me. Staring at my hands on what might seem like an uncomfortably familiar object, yet I couldn't quite put a finger on it. I blinked. Hoping I'm just seeing things and it'll be gone when i opened my eyes again. But hope only works for the helpless man, not the stupid one. It was still there. Not even the slightest movements at all, just like how it was the way before.

What is this?

I'm pretty sure I've seen it before somewhere. Might even use it before. Yet the thoughts of all these were only the faintest notation at the back of my head. Help me, somebody.

I looked around for a moment just to realised that I'm alone. Help yourself when no one's around, Grandpa use to say. Now seem to be the best awful situation to apply it. A drop of cold sweat rolls down my forehead and fell into it. Funny how I didn't realise it was so hot before. Did somebody turned up the heater by accident?

The lights on it began to dim. Fading into the darkness, as if it was reminding me that time is running out. It's late , any longer and I might just miss it. My thumb waved above it fanatically, shaking and trembling in a never felt before fear. The rest of my fingers, as though dictated by invisible forces responding to my overwhelming fear, gripped the object tightly. It screamed at me sharply , telling me to embrace what come may.

Slowly and carefully, like a surgeon in the operating room, my thumb moved in for the kill. It was a difficult move, the air around me stiffen, threatening to choke me to death. I resisted , rebelling my way out of it and concentrating on the only task on my hands and rested my thumb slightly on top of the object. A sudden feeling of peace and remorse surrounds me.

"It's now or never" A voice in my head spoke.

What?
I know this voice. The awfully familiar voice that spoke to me at times like such, yet we never managed a greeting before. It was more like a one-time affair I can never seem to fathom. I close my eyes again , hoping it will go away. Not surprisingly, it didn't.

Now what genius?

The light came back as I press my thumb gently on the object. It shook me a little. Just a little to send all the 'creepy-crawlies' (goosebumps) all over my skin. Looking at the series of numbers in it, my heart pound faster and another drop of sweat fell down. I couldn't do it. No way in hell could I. An instant jerk of my hand snapped me back to reality, the object felt like an incredible 200 pounds now. It's wearing me down , I gotta put it down somehow yet I was stubborn and unwilling to give it up without a fight. I looked down at it once more as the lights began to fade away slowly.
The display screen writes :
Call Joanne?

The red or the green button? I've been at it the whole night. I gotta make a decision now. I hit the red key and place the phone down on my bed and blamed myself for being such an idiot and it was that very moment a weird tingly feeling creep up my spine. The feeling that none of this happened before. That feeling you'll say it in French.

Vuja De.

Note: I hope you guys enjoyed this. It's been a while since I did any short stories but Stephen King sort of brought me back. I was reading this book of his , Everything's Eventual and he spoke about the lost craft of short stories. I felt inspired by him to write something of my own, a short story that will sound awfully familiar to you and yet you can't quite put a finger onto it. Before I realised , I came out with Vuja De (no , I didn't really say that though) some other guy did. I wanted to present a sort of feelings everyone else knew but yet didn't know what it was. If you needed to shout at me , there's the tagboard. If not , have a great weekend!

2008-02-14T01:12:00.005+08:00

"Love's a stranger you thought you once knew , fate's a third party you never saw it coming and opportunity's a one time affair you just miss out."

I know , I know what day it is today. With all the commericals around the city and everyone else talking about it , I'll be a real fool to deny knowing what's today all about ? It's gabbage picking day ain't it ? (Kidding) Fully knowing that this site ain't all over the lovey dovey thingy all year long and such, I'd hate to make it a seriously morbid day either. Now now , I heard someone calling me a hopelessly unromantic prick at the back. Don't get nasty on me just yet.

Not to vindicate myself or such but here's a seriously nice song for all the lovers out there. Happy Valentine Day folks. Nothing heartbreaking , nothing out of the norm, just a good old song to set you back for a while. Cheers mates !

2008-01-29T23:57:00.000+08:00

Stop this war.

Note: Please ? Haven't done a piece for the longest while, hope u guys like this.

2008-01-25T00:57:00.000+08:00

Who wanna hear who got shot ?
(Feat Ekon & J.Ti)

Hey hey , yeah yeah , this is niffy
check this out, look girl , don't you,
don't you wanna hear who got shot tonight?
Yo, don't you know I've got bulletproof vest
all over my chest? 20 shots in the club and i'm
still one of the best.

Me likey. Look at all these scars left on me,
and don't you go doubting any, 'cause it ain't from the jakes,
ain't from my hommie nor the mobs.
It's all for real and now you know why I've got a crew,
all over the southie and all my bitches smacking those ass.

Come on , come on now. You know you ain't seen shit till
you get shot and live to tell about it. And I'm fat with bling
cause I'm rich from rap, I'm niffy and I've got nothing to lose
but fats.

Note: Best serve with ANY 50cent song.
Actually , it's just cause J. got real bored from hearing people getting shot, blings
jakes and bitches. Another reason is cause he got really stoned, strucked and way way
bothered and decided to make a joke. In case you wondered, this is the joke.

2008-01-13T18:35:00.000+08:00

2008

J. says the following sentence in deep regrets. The year 2008 might not bring about more new art works, in fact , he anticipated lesser. (It's an awfully painful decision but it has to be made) But he assures you that not drawing much doesn't mean he won't be drawing anything at all. Compensating the 'diminishing' presence of visual communication, J. would like to bring in a couple of quotes welcoming the new year. Here's a few he came out with lately.
Warning: You might really find some very very familiar indeed.

"Buy now. Pay later" : Needful things cover - Stephen King
(Right. Try that in the real world.)

"You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.'' - George W. Bush
(Duh)

"They say jump, you ask how high?" - Civil War; Marvel
(I say screw you)

"Of course, it's GIRLS POWER!" - YUnny
(Go join the spice girls fan club with Steph)

"Live ; Love ; Laugh" - Eliz
(I only did the last part when a certain department stores decided to paste that on their windows)

"Paradise gone; back to reality" - Justin
(It's called wake up, mate.)

"All the things she said, running through my head , running through my head" - T.a.t.u
(Issues, clearly)

"Give me , give me more, give me more." - Britney
(Oh come on, the Pepsi's 'ask for more' spokesperson position has already been taken)

OK, that's not exactly what J. had in mind. It was just a small joke he decided to play on his friends. No offence please! So here's the real deal. Promise.

"He who is not courageous enough to take risks will accomplish nothing in life." - Muhammad Ali

"Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is." - Francis Bacon

"A right delayed is a right denied." - Martin Luther King, Jr.

"Power tends to corrupt and absolute power corrupts absolutely." - Lord Acton

"Democracy is being allowed to vote for the candidate you dislike least." - Robert Byrne
(certainly for a certain G.W)

"He dares to be a fool, and that is the first step in the direction of wisdom." - James Huneker

"When I can look life in the eyes, grown calm and very coldly wise, life will have given me the truth, and taken in exchange - my youth." - Sara Teasdale

"A man who stands for nothing will fall for anything." - Malcolm X

"If you're not ready to die for it, put the word 'freedom' out of your vocabulary." - Malcolm X

"But O, how bitter a thing it is to look into happiness through another man's eyes." - William Shakespeare

Note: Hope you enjoyed all the quotes and seriously, no offence please!

2007-12-30T17:48:00.000+08:00

24 hours and a pair of fourty-five.

364 days gone.

I sit here alone in the park. Bleeding the last 24 hours of 07 away quietly. Across the bench, a group of boys were singing to the tune of Blunt's 1973. Though we're no where close to that but I let it go.

Sit back and relax bud. It's the last day of the year anyway. After all, it's been quite a bloody good year.

With no more demons left to fight.

For once in my life, I felt kinda lost. I look all around me; twice. There's nothing left to fight. Absolutely nothing left. I stand alone in the darkness, all that's left is just the sound of silence. So I packed the forty-fives in the shed and start gardening my way to Eden.

I looked back once more. Am I finally done here?

However, I have been feeling so much at peace with myself, it's hard to deny that fact. No, not even when everyone's cell is sounding like Rihana ("Ella, ella ,eh eh , when the sun don't shine forever...) nor the emo boys still pissing the shit out of me is going take this moment of serenity from me.

So the question is, for how long ?

To be honest, even though I liked all my grass to be decayed and decomposing than greener on the other side. (The very thought of everything's positively-god-damn fine still sicken me to the stomach, some people just don't see the reality) Call me Mr Cynical , Call me Mr Morbid or sue me. I don't give a damn.

Truth.

I have no faith. So what ?
Don't get me wrong here. I bear no grudges against the world. I'm just not the sort of guy whom buy that story of miracle for the lowest ever price 0.99 only. Make my day anytime pal, just don't feed me all those prayers shit.

Yet, I'm still feeling the peace. Despite all the bombings and killings. Greed's a terrible thing but human beings are the worst of them all. There can be no fighting if there ain't greed humans.

Point in case?

Time to get your mother-lovin' ass down the stand Bush.

But I must say it's been a bloody good year mate, a Bloody good year indeed.

Note: While some of us brood in the park and trying to keep their 45s from the Jakes. J. will like to take this opportunity to wish everyone a great new year ahead!

2007-12-11T18:02:00.000+08:00

The mind is a powerful piece of instrument
(so use it and stop behaving like a monkey on the train)

My my, it's that time of the year again. What time of the year you might ask? You know , the time of the year where some people try to dress up as the next hot fashion statement of 2008 (some failed horribly mind you) and started to get more and more in touch with their primitive side.

I'm pretty sure you get the picture. So , ladies and gentlemen , let's get down to business shall we? (No monkey business please) Let's list a few supposingly hot new look of the year shall we? Right on top of the list , J. presents the Emo Boys WANNABEs and 'I'm-so-hurt-I-so-wanna-cry' fashion 2007/08. (How can I let it go without dissing my fave Emo Boys?) So sue me, if not , you can read on. J. took the liberty of illustrating a simple piece on that on MS Paint, on purpose. You'll see why. Please click on it for larger view.

Ah, now that we have fully understand the what I mean by the Emo/Cry boys fashion, I shall go on to the behavior part. Please , believe me when I say I didn't write up another article just to diss the Emo Boys. Please. Not only these people are 'larger' than life (pun intended) , they're also 'louder' than life itself. What do I mean by that? Take for instance, the case where these people will publicly display their 'emo-songs' and ring tones alongside some who gives a shit PDA (public display of affection) in the train cabins. Not only so, these people have the most bizarre msg tone. So far , I've heard "Viper on, Hommey in the house, cries of babies, rock on! etc". How about trying "Puberty On" for a change? Man. They sure do get on my nerves.

Right. Up next , endangering lives and giving free-stares especially at your chest and biceps. The ALSO tight figure hugging tees and side carried handbags dudes of the year, 'Somewhat-mid-old and very muscular gays' comes usually in a pair , havananas slippers , scarves ; TM, patented , copyrighted intended, while stock last and not availiable in some states. (Batteries not included) These people will take every single chance to wear their scarves even when the sun is shinning right on top of their head and look at you all over the place as if there's ants everywhere. Oh come on, give me a break will you ? This ain't Texas or Germany.

Last but not least on the list of 'Hottest Fashion 07/08' are the "1/2 fuck Goth but not really there yet" I don't know what to call that fashion. Now , at this point of view, you might be wondering who am i to judge? But hey, I may look nothing like the Bossman Pitt but least I don't look like no freak? Freaks , that's probably the word I could use for these people. I mean come on , if you're goth , I can try to understand that. Punk , yeah , I understand too. But 1/2 fuck Goth and Punk ? Did I just heard hybrid in the background? I think that's the term used for mutants and animals, not human beings. You dress up like Goth but not fully completed and you added the dark eyes rings from emo-punk. Wait a sec , am I not getting something here and is that a rebellion-fashion statement?

I got to admit, sometimes I marvel at the fact at how the world amazed me. Perhaps I'm getting old and I failed to understand all these 'fashion statement' that are made but pardon me, it's their behavior most of the time that bothers me. Not the superficial clothes they wear on. Oh well , I've done my rantings. Now , you can either choose to leave a nasty remark on my tagboard or shoot me at skinnyjeansareforgirls@sissyboysu.com. 'Cause I SO LOVE to hear them. Later guys.

2007-11-26T22:25:00.000+08:00

Layla

7 minutes to midnight.
And here I am, the stupid man,
staring at ourselves among the crowds.
Mocking at the rest of us,
foolishly embracing this bitter-sweet symphony

Catching the last ride home,
While thinking about all those memories;
one last time.
Before leaving it behind with the last bus.

I laughed at myself,
for imagining you sitting beside me,
guilt-ridden that I let you go.
Turned my world upside down.

Layla, you've got me going crazy.
Layla, i'm begging, darling please.
Layla, darling won't you tell me my love's not in vain?

Didn't know what to say when you're gone.
'Cause if I say see you later, it might not be true.
But do I say goodbye like it's goodbye for good?

Layla, you've got me going crazy.
Layla, i'm begging, darling please.
Layla, darling won't you tell me my love's not in vain?

Note: I know , this is probably not the most original Layla we have all heard. Someone commented that my take on life is so cynical, but hey, i wrote Layla. Oh well , if did YOU asked twice , maybe i'll be your boy lollipop. Who knows? (Smiles)

2007-11-22T20:05:00.000+08:00

Economics Topic 17.82.1
Love; Rationality and Income line.
Explaination by Dr. Idontink Uknow

For today's Economic lesson , we're going to look at the simple graph on a closed economy; with or without singlehood and without any other complications factors to consider such as lump-sum tax (having 2 girlfriends in one single relationship) , financial constraints nor internal and external environment pressures (your other half unable to get along with your folks- int factors, your other half don't like your friends -ext factors). Bearing those in mind , we'll now take a look at the initial setup of an individual in the considering of 2 bundles avaliable to him without any complications.

Figure 1.1 simply depicts a closed economy with only 2 bundles to consider and no other restraints. Note that Output in this case can be referred to one of these ( time, happiness, efforts, items bought etc.) Things that are not exactly in measurable terms. You get the point. In this example, we will assume the individual to be a him but the diagram is applicable to both genders. Even though Dr. Idontink refuse to type in both genders in most sentences , he's nothing close to being a sexist. (Mostly because he thinks he's some kind of Dr. and kinda snooty) Carrying on with the explanation of figure 1.1, Io in this case represents income and X1 and X2 are the output respectively.

In the short run, it can be clearly seen that the individual him/her will not have a decrease in his/her income. It's pretty obvious that by picking bundle B, getting himself attached , the individual initial income line will shift to the right as output increases from X1 to X2 but since his Io remains the same , the only main differences are the output levels. Which in this case , can be one of the many mentioned above. It can be seen that by picking bundle B, in the short run, the individual is better off as he is in a higher utility curve. (though it's not drawn)

Figure 1.2 describes the conditions in the short run against the long run. Income level at Io and output level at X1 is the choice of the individual after picking bundle B in the short run. In the long run, as more firms (other guys; hunks; jockeys; nerds etc) are trying to enter the market, the individual will have to spend more money(Io in this case) to increase the output (buy more flowers, chocs , dates , exp dinners etc) in order to maintain himself of having bundle B. Thus , resulting in the decrease of Income to Io2 and increase in output X2.

The 2 utility curves are drawn in Figure 1.2 in hoping that students will see a clearer picture of the differences in both curves. The curves have shown that in the long run , the individual is irrational in choosing bundle B. (in a lower UC curve) yet he is better than before when he chooses bundle B in the short run compared to bundle A (singlehood) shown in Figure 1.1.

In conclusion, it can be seen that an individual is only better off when he chooses bundle B over bundle A in the short run and not in the long run. Please put into considerations that this graph only describes a simple close economic where there's no govt (her/your folks) , proportional taxes (other competitions trying to run you out, resulting in more money spent to keep the patent rights; in this case; the exclusive rights to your girlfriend) and foreign firms trying to enter the market. (some other dudes from other countries trying to act cool).

Exercises for the thinkers.
1) So is the individual rational in picking bundle B in the short run or he'll be better off(staying on the same UC curve) by sticking with bundle A (singlehood)

2) Does it mean that it's better to be single(bundle A) than suffer the conditions of the long run?

3) Is the patent rights reserved and will last for at least 10years? If so , is it a wise choice for the individual to spend additional budget to preserve this 'exclusive' rights and solemly believes bundle B will continue its production no matter what(remain faithful) to him/her?

Disclaimer: The university of South Wulifornia is not responsible for any works published by Dr. Idontink Uknow in whatever manner it was re-produced, distributed or issued to anybody. However, we reserves the rights to most of his publications.(note the word MOST)

Suggested readings

Love me ? Don't be silly. by William Anothony
Till death do us part. Provided you die first and i get all the cash. by Goodman Malicam
Econs made simple. by Dr. Smkinda Foool
Foreign firms and investors trying to enter the MARKET. by Dr. Idontink Uknow
Long run. Short run. Why not Just break up and don't run? by Malcom Dannibini

2007-11-18T14:02:00.000+08:00

Arise Berlin.

I know how long I haven't been drawing and I'm awfully sorry as everything seems a whole lot busier this few months. Well , the one thing I can say is even though I havent honestly been producing any decent work these days doesn't mean I haven't been drawing at all. My dear viewers , I hope you like this piece. I'm pretty sure we have all seen the photoshoot of the famous 'Fall of Berlin'. So right now , how about Arise Berlin for a change ? Please click it for a larger view. From my piece, we can all see , nobody really want to arise that era do we ?

Note: "And I've been waiting in the weeds, Waiting for my time to come around again." - The Eagles.

2007-10-31T22:10:00.000+08:00

Adam has a condition.

He can't sleep without the lights on, the radio tuned in between two stations playing nothing but static. No amount of sleeping pills help, not when one gets immune to it.

He doesn't like sunlight, doesn't like the moonlight either yet he can't seem to find anything grey in between both. Don't think Adam hasn't heard of the term insomnia or he's refusing help.

He tried.

He really did but yet it didn't seem to help. Deep down inside, he knew he had to fight it one day. Fight this cause that cost him more than just forty winks.

Little did he know, the simple truth is closer than where he had to look. Given his current state, Adam has no choice but to often travel long bus rides with a little touch of morbid imaginaries and sorrow to pass around twice. Not that he particularly enjoyed those rides but when one can't get to sleep at night , there isn't much to be done either.

And once in a while , Adam will fall asleep on it.
Once a while.

Those were the times he wished he hadn't, no matter how lack of sleep he's getting. All those hallucinations he gets while falling asleep were horrendous. The sight of that pitch black darkness surrounding him, the whole miasma threatening to empower him. And the most horrifying sight was the sound of the it clicking 'thump, thump'. Ranting like some kind of old chant or evil curse to convert him over.

Over to the dark side.

It always scare the living hell out of him; every single time.

These days, those thoughts were so overwhelming; he wished he could just jump off the bus. Jump off like humpy dumpy on the great wall, and all the King's horse and all the great man couldn't put humpy Adamy back again. It's almost impossible to resist, Adam almost thought he was losing it. Yet deep in his mind , somewhere; he knew that the only remedy was to face the enemy face to face. Like a real man. Just like those medieval times. Till his last breath.

His spirits are willing; the soul strong like a brick yet the body is in denial. Weak, tired and refused to suit up for battle. Adam dragged this on day by day, pushing the limits of what one's mind can take. He was not sick, he knew what has to be done but he just can't conjure enough courage for it.

However , tonight my friend; is a special night for Adam.

For he has finally sum up enough strength and courage to face his fear. Feeling like a new and reborn man , he marched his way to the underground. Talking caution of his every step as he venture further and further into uncharted waters. In his mind, the Lord's prayer kept going, he knew that he will search the valley of death until there's nobody left. That's right, until the silence is the only noise he will hear. He took note of the surrounding well , just in case he's need to route. Every single step he took seems heavier; harder and deafening. He must not give up now. Closing his eyes and taking a deep breath in before the face the final judgment was necessary. You know what they say about taking one last breath of what that matters the most to you before you put an end to it. To Adam, this might jolly well be his one last breath.

So he took a moment to enjoy it, 'cause the air six feet below will never taste like this again.

Looking below his feet, Adam saw his greatest fear. He closed his eyes immediately, the sound of it churning out the evil chant was for real. The fast shifting steps collapsing and reforming simultaneously could be heard even when he wasn't looking. 'Shooo... shooo... shooo..' The evil being calling out to somebody. Everything happening in such a pace Adam could not fathom. Don't look back , a voice inside him call out. This is the day. He whispered a prayer under his breath and took his first step on the subway's escalator.

Note: Did anybody miss me ?

2007-09-30T01:12:00.000+08:00

Flight

I wandered lonely as a cloud
Drifting high above the vales and hill,
To where my heart covet,
When all at once I saw a crowd
A host, of snowy, dreamy roses
Within the crowd,
Dancing and fluttering in the breeze.

Such enticing beauty so saddening
As time pays tribute,
the petals evanesce; its beauty withering;
and my heart rives along
I watch as Nature shows,
that nothing last forever,
Even the most enchanting memories,
is only but a moment's glance.

The lake besides plays a soft melody
Fortifying our moments together,
A second lost; is but a mere touch of Nature
For all beauty dies,
nevertheless ours.
Yet such simplicity I know not of,
but you were patient,
To such a fool am I.

Holding the sand from the grounds
Sitting on the soft, flawless field,
wondering how long more can I hold on,
Yet the harder I try,
the more I lost.
Perhaps what's pre-destined,
will always be.

Glazing above the bright blue sky
In vacant or in plaintive mood,
I held it in.
They flashed upon those blues eyes,
Which is the bliss of solitude.
My heart fills with pleasure,
and dances with the roses.
For reminiscing of your moments,
is one Nature will not take.

Note: My dear Freya, I believe I have told you all that is needed of me. This will be the last thing I'll write for you before you go. And I guess you will know the reason for picking that title won't you ? Please take good care of yourself and I'll miss you dearly.

2007-08-31T19:03:00.000+08:00

Of what charges both you and I ?

What learn did I from the past,
of those errors , the truth kept from us.
And into those fallacious beliefs I entrusted,
by false rationality, without a single reasoning.

My heart I gave to trust, broken it was returned,
for Nature is neither cruel nor kind.
The dove nor white or black, just but a shade of grey.

Soul of my windows tells no lies,
as the darken heart turns aside, accidents besides,
how true is your words indeed.
Misguiding and misguided.

My directions unclear no longer, lost within the guilt line
Oh, innocence such an innocent word abused.
Yet who is truly guilty of none?
Changes , Did I ?
For I am only half the man I used to be...

Note: I'm half the man I used to be, for the other half had fallen for you.

2007-08-21T12:48:00.000+08:00

Complicated

London bridge is falling down
Falling down; falling down.
London bridge is falling down
Falling down; my fair lady.

-----------------

-----------

-------

---

-

When did this truth be so true,
and things became so difficult to unfold?
Did the reflective mud water,
reveal your true self?
or was it too tainted to see what it has to offer

Sun's setting, kids running home,
'cause mum warned them about the darkness.
So hallucinating even we can't tell.

The soil disturbing, the strain breaking.
Our forefathers unsettling,
threatening to curse the very ground
Why do this to yourself?

The father crying in Mary's arms,
our heart breaking yet disorientating.
Who's jurisdisctions are we on now;
Yours, Hers or Theirs ?

Hush, hush baby.
For power corrupts the good man,
just a matter of how much
& how deep.

Fathers, Mothers, Sisters.
Pray for his return.
As starvation and salvation
is very much overwhelming.

But why do this to yourself ?
It's still not too late to turn yourself in now.

Note: it's easy to look into the muddy waters and miss the reflection of oneself.

2007-08-09T11:01:00.000+08:00

Messages.

Give the signal
Light the flare
Tell the runner
Run the cavalry
It must be known
For it started
Gather your brothers
Make the last prayers
Kiss your sisters
Let them know it be true
Hug your lovers
And ask them to be happy
Even without me
Father
I'm sorry
Tell my daughter
It wasn't meant
What I said yesterday
As everything changed
But not my love
Tell my son
To be strong
And a man got to do what
a man got to do
Shed no tears my friends
For everyone departs
Only a matter of when
And a manner of how
Die a hero today
And I shall live forever
in your heart

Note: Only a matter of when, and a manner of how.

2007-07-25T11:37:00.000+08:00

Innocence Lost.

It's been ages since I drew something. So I thought I came out with something with a quick sketch I did in about 5 mins? Ok , maybe I'm lacking in the sincerity department but hey, least I came out with something. Hope you guys will like this as well. I'll just end it with a quote I heard some time ago.

"Innocence Lost is forever."

2007-07-17T00:13:00.000+08:00

Girl.

Girl, put all your jewels on
Pressing your lips close
Applying all the make up on
to be pretty

Girl, put your gorgeous dress on
Staring into the mirror
Telling yourself you're unbelievable
un-believably mesmerising

Girl, put that perfume on
Going around town turning heads
Making all the boys melt
cause you're god damn surreal

Girl, girls; put that records on
Playing your favourite song
Cause you don't have to be in love
to be happy

Note: For all the lovely ladies in my life. Especially you girls, Jo, Eliz and Steph.

2007-07-10T23:02:00.000+08:00

Love

Love means to love at yourself
The way one looks at distant things
For you are only one thing among many.
And whoever sees that way heals his heart,
without knowing it, from various ills-
A bird and a tree say to him: Friend.

Then he wants to use himself and things,
so that they stand in the glow of ripeness.
It doesn't matter whether he knows what he serves;
who serves best doesn't always understand.

Note: Love by Czeslaw Milosz. Beautiful piece.

2007-07-02T11:05:00.000+08:00

Fuck that.

Allow me to re-introduce myself. If anyone did bother to notice , I had never really bother to rant about myself much. So here's the few pathetic lines my morning brain came out with, "I don't need to take your shit so don't do it to me. Fuck that shit." No no. Don't confuse me with your neighboring emo boy or that anger kid down the streets. I reckon my brain in the morning ain't functioning that well but I have been interrogated pound by pound almost too often. 12 rounds straight with Oscar de la hoya, blood , sweat and curses in every single round. It's a miracle why I am still alive.

Perhaps you had never noticed but don't you get tired of people questioning you here and there when they're only half the man you are? Oh sure, tell me you're a chick. You don't have to face this. Don't go reading on , I don't want your mummy to come in and ban you from reading stuff considered M18. Sometimes I tried to tell myself that they are having a bad day so I'll just take it in but then again, who the hell doesn't have issues? It could be the most infinitesimal issue ever but you took me for 12 rounds. Give me a break will you?

So here am I, trying to bring it out of my system one last time before I take it out on some miserable printer whom failed to deliver. I can do it in a cultured manner or like a good old punk and I can be selective on my words, so don't go on trying me. Do not to others what you will not want on yourself. I will say it once and if you doubt my words , fuck it. Have I been a little too vulgar lately ? Nah, I'm just been selective remember? (all the pounding must have gotten into my head)

Note: Don't read what you don't like. You can choose to be selective too.

2007-07-01T11:54:00.000+08:00

Rock 'n Roll

It's been a long time since I Rock and Rolled,
It's been a long time since I did the Stroll.
Ooh, let me get it back, let me get it back,
Let me get it back, baby, where I come from.
It's been a long time, been a long time,
Been a long lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely time.

Yes it has.
It's been a long time since the book of love,
I can't count the tears of a life with no love.
Carry me back, carry me back,
Carry me back, baby, where I come from.
It's been a long time, been a long time,
Been a long lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely time.

Seems so long since we walked in the moonlight,
Making vows that just can't work right.
Open your arms, opens your arms,
Open your arms, baby, let my love come running in.
It's been a long time, been a long time,
Been a long lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely time

Note: It's just not just black. It's rock and roll, baby.

2007-06-21T21:15:00.000+08:00

Father..

"I like routine, a good routine keep the mind from morbid imaginaries."

Above the concert jungle I stand alone
Watching the city dying
Rotting as the days goes by
Dealing drugs, pimping and killings

Is this what my father swore to protect
Or have I failed him miserably ?
Yet fatigue is urging me to give up
Before the darkness prevails

The sirens ringing in my head
Music to my ears
For I'm needed once again
The night is yet but long

Gotham's weeping
Yet no one hears it but me
Is this truly the nature of us all?
Primitive yet necessary

Is this the reason why
I can never defend these walls?
For evil is in man
Man; I can't kill

Forever living within
My father's shadows
Sleeping with the lights on
Fearing that the dreams will never end

I ask for nothing
But the peace nightly
Yet the only peace I have got
Is the sound of the crooks surrendering

And those sweet sounding words:
"I won't do it again."

Father, oh Father..
Have I done what you wished for?
Or have I failed in my duty
to fulfill your dreams ?

Note: Alright, I confess. I'm a huge fan since young.

2007-06-12T09:53:00.000+08:00

09.18

I closed my eyes even when I'm awake
Just to keep this realm alive a little longer
For the reality is to cruel to face
I can't look at it without crying

Still remembering your expression I used to love
And the way you smiled
All of it and so much more
Yet it all seem like yesterday now

We were in bliss
With friends giving their blessings
But before I could hold your hands
Counting the stars in the midnight skies
We no longer were

What about all those promises
Those places we were going
Do they mean nothing at all
Or was I never the one ?

I can't think about you at night
Hoping not to see you
Yet fate has a strange twist
And I saw you with him

For fate is a strange thing indeed
'Cause we had so much going
So much we thought could last
But love didn't come through the end

Note: Isn't it not ?

2007-06-07T21:50:00.000+08:00

The Guardian

The city overwhelming with darkness,
Drenched in its defying shadows.
Overrun with street rats,
Chewing and sneaking up on you.

So dark, even the light refuses to shine through.
As it sinks into despair slowly,
Into the rot and taint unbelievably terrifying.
Waiting, waiting for chaos to consume it.

Yet the Cerberus protecting it,
waits in patience,
for its turn to strike.
Breaking past the shadows and taint.

It refuses to yield defeat,
manning its helm in the abyss.
Polishing its shield
and shaping its blades.

For this is not its moment yet,
to rid the streets of evil.
Sidewalks of dealers
and hell pit clean of pimps.

2007-06-02T01:47:00.000+08:00

Beyond reach

Goodbye my love;
goodbye my friend.
Would we ever be friends again,
or have I never really know you?

'Cause it's funny how this feel,
that the previous year was nothing but a fleeting promise.
So beautiful yet
beyond reach.

Why make promises when you can't keep,
you said.
True to your words indeed,
and none was made to be broken.

And I thought I always knew you.
The reasons you never commit,
promises you didn't make.
But I was wrong - so wrong.

Yet I thought we were more;
than just friends.
You and I...
More than just another He and She.

So foolish am I
to believe in those words you never once said.
Promises you never made.
Yet I believe , believe it all.

Believed it could be changed.
All that was changed,
is you instead.
I never knew you again.

Maybe I never really did,
in the beginning.
For how could something be truly lost;
when I never had it in the first place?

Note: Min, I guess you knew who is this for? I took a sentence from you thou , hope you don't mind.

2007-05-27T13:51:00.000+08:00

Who's fooling who?

Don't you miss those times?
When we had nothing of value
Nothing much to spend on,
nothing to worry about.

Were those days of the past?
Were those honestly the unhappy times ?
So if this is the happier moment,
why aren't you smiling no more?

Ignorant are those people you spoke of
but laughing were those fools you mock,
and the only laughter on you,
is those of mockery.

Sadder is the wiser man ,
so they said.
Yet all I see ,
Is poorer the rich man.

So who's truly the fool now?

For what's the point,
when what you really wants,
is something you can't buy?
And so the fool mock.

So the fool mocks.

Richer; yet
not wiser.

Note: Who mocks who? Who's the real fool now?

2007-05-23T13:07:00.000+08:00

And the ground embraces, when the leaf fell.

The tree weeps.
The wind rejoice;
and the ground embraces,
when the leaf fell.

Enjoying the newfound freedom,
away from the binding old tree.
Withering slowly
as the days goes by.

Never did it realised
That the ground was never an easy place.
The risk getting sweep away by the wind,
dying from malnutrition.

And getting stranded all alone in the middle of nowhere.

But you said it's beautiful,
to fall with grace
and arise from the chaos.
To know misery so you may rise above it all.

So you went away
to know freedom
to truly know what the world is.

I let you go.
To let you know what it feels like to lose.
But yet you returned
Telling me the world is too much to take.

But darlin' did you know ?
You said that I was like the tree
Chaining you up in misery,
killing you slowly with restrictions.

Oh and how can I forget?
That you said it was all my fault;
you lost your freedom.

And now you want back.
But baby, you belong to the ground now.
No longer with the tree.
Can't you see?

It is all so clear now,
that what you sow starts from the ground
growing into a tree
And eventually harvesting as the leaves.

Now do you understand?
That you're what you sow.

Note: How long? Not long. 'Cause what you reap is what you sow. - Rage against the machine.

2007-05-19T13:44:00.001+08:00

As I lay hemorrhaging

Just a little something I drew that other day, had intended to use it with 'The nights to end all nights' but decided against it somehow. Hope u like this one here.

2007-05-15T20:38:00.000+08:00

Someone.

Someone swore its true love till the river runs dry,
Someone ask for salvation,
while others succumb.
Someone smile whenever fate hits him back.

Somebody ask if you're that someone,
whom seem to believe in true love.
Whom forever seeks but was never found.

Who is it then?

What does your heart tells you?
Is what truly yours will always be or that
moon upon the sky is ever beautiful and
who you can never have will sincerely be the best

I, yours truly,
only wants to know if
that's sorrow in your pretty eyes ?
That disbelieves who refuses to die and forever
be in denial.

Note: Oh , that's just somebody.

2007-05-12T12:27:00.000+08:00

Words I can't say.

There's words I can't seem to say,
alphabets that denies my pronouncing,
meanings I will not decipher.

'Cause they taught us so.
That the sky is blue
and the grass is always green.

Imagine;
they said.
For things beyond normal.

But how can we?
When the sky is forever blue,
the ocean ever crystal clear?

Make a difference;
they preach.
Educate others of what they not see.

How do I; I asked?
When there are words I can't write,
rights I can't use
and that little black 'strip' I can't erase.

Note: Take this as it is. Nothing more , nothing less.

2007-05-08T23:38:00.000+08:00

The night to end all nights

All those trips down the memory road,
Walks down guilt lanes
is making me sick;
infecting my cells one by one.

Like a living plague walking on Earth,
tainting its way everywhere I go.
The roses withered;
nature's dying on my path.

Oh, why can't you see it now?
Don't you realise what it feels like,
When all you once matter
no longer does anymore ?

Those decaying maidens surrounding me,
urging me to give in.
Why work so hard they say?
Eventually everything returns to the ashes.

But you pushed me to my edge,
hoping to see me throwing myself in the bonfire,
and getting myself killed in it.
So you don't have to do it yourself.

Yet I disappoint you.
Getting up once again,
from my chaos to my grace,
rising against my enemy face to face.

Throw everything you have at me,
those endless nights,
memory trips, guilt lanes;
sorrows enough to pass around twice.

I will take it all.
Go through them carefully,
making sure I don't repeat it again.
So I may rise above it all.

The wind gently whisper in my ears,
numbing them in cold,
singing me a song of misery.
One that broke my spirits to fight.

As the nights grew darker.
I asked myself.
Is this what you pushed me to
becoming who I hate the most?

Testing how far I will go?
Which line I will cross;
how long and
how much more?

Just to get this self-righteous justice
I seek?
For tonight is the night
The night to end all nights.

For there's just you and me.

Like how you like it.
How you dreamt of it.
So let's do this now,
shadows of my past.

For I have long been fatigue
and needed a good reason
to close those eyes for good;
or for your good.

Note: This is a long one. For one of the darkest night I had. "I'm always my worst enemy, there can be none others." And btw , the other part of this is in Min's site. We sort of agree on a collaboration during our last interview.

2007-05-07T22:48:00.000+08:00

When darkness overwhelms rebel.

J. and min did an interview over the msn a few days back , just to show their viewers how and why did their site started and J. wanted to introduce min to his viewers. So what happens when darkness overwhelms the rebel? Check out the interview site at http://www.whendarknessoverwhelmsrebel.blogspot.com/. And do check out Min's site from the link section. Thank u.

2007-05-04T23:37:00.000+08:00

Four's such a bother.

I can't really decide which one to post it up , the initial idea was the one on the right. Steph said it wasn't rock enough so i create another one. I made the right one with the idea of doing an old school rock poster to re-live my rock roots. I like both anyway. Hope you like one of it at least. Ok, if you're gonna ask me why is MM with all the older rock guys I thought I might as well tell you. If you happen to watch any of his 'live' performances you'll know why he deserves a place in rock. He's in a league of his own , way way before emo and goth and for that , he deserve a place in rock. Not that i'm a huge fan of his but he basically set the pace for it's 'alright' to be different. So there you have it, me and my rock roots.

2007-04-30T23:22:00.000+08:00

Your Highness; but I'm only a pauper.

His majesty beckons me into the hallway.
For what reasons I know not of,
for I am without much value in this place.

Humbly, I walk across the palace guards,
head hung low. Gazing only the expensive rug below
wondering if I had offended The King somehow.

But could it be that He had known?
of this forbidden courtship he will never approve.
Then die I must, or She will not see the sunlight
again.

For our sake, She said.
For She wouldn't care if I ride the greatest stallion,
mounted the shinning amour or even holding
Merlin's sword in my hands.

Because all that matters not.
Those were never of eternity, not of truth-ness
and none of those she would love but
me.

But how could it last my princess?
What if he had known? What if-
it was now?

On my knees I am now.
Cold sweat forming at my palms.
My good lord I said, how may I serve?

You daring servant of no good!
How could you? You're not worthy
of my princess love.
Give her up this instance or suffer the fate worst
than that of death alone.

But but- how could I, your highness?
For I'm only a pauper;
worthy of nothing but rags and rumbles.

Then die should my princess for this shame,
for this love she so daring confess.
And with nothing;
nothing but He who's worthy of only rags and rumbles.

2007-04-28T19:40:00.000+08:00

Sevendust Alpha.

It's finally out, the long anticipated album of Sevendust.

The best thing about Sevendust is probably because they were always real. Singing and speaking about the truth was never an easy job and not everybody can do that well. They know what's agony, what's anger and misery and that's why it's easy for them to relate to us. Trust me on this one; they're definitely not your

commericalised sounding rock bands on the radio. Name me a few will you? I'm sure you can.

Sevendust has been through a lot of personal trauma and tragedy the past few years, and that is reflected in the sound of Alpha. It's angry, and also one of the heaviest albums they've done in a while. The brutality is tempered with plenty of melody and very catchy riffs and hooks. Sevendust's sound is unmistakable, and it's on full display here.

Vocalist Lajon Witherspoon is one of the greatest guys in rock, although you'd never know it by his angry and aggressive delivery on this album. He also does some melodic singing which is very strong. Alpha has a great balance of aggression and accessibility.

Go get it now.
I mean it.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sevendustinfo
Info taken from wikipedia.

2007-04-25T08:53:00.000+08:00

My allergy

What is this sound I'm hearing ?
those beats; those bass; those pops.
It got me scratching my ears,
rubbing my nose and
squeezing my eyes tight.

I; ah
Ah CHOO-
My my , you'll need to see a doctor;
dear old grandmum will say.
Sweet old granny,
concern even at the slightest sneeze.

Well; snick snick
I seem to be allergic to something in the air,
those sounds and words.
What is it that people will call them ?
I don't think
I know.

All I know,
Is;
it has got something to do with those cheesy lines,
corny bass and lousy beats.
I think, sometimes it even comes in a group of 4 or more.
They all seem to know it.

They;
Seems to like it. Adore it. Listens to it.
Why is it that I do not understand,
what the hell are they singing about?
And man, that itch is
killing me.

No no.
I need to get this straight.
Isn't this what they want us to hear?
Who?
those people of rich and famous
The commercial noise they want us to believe is music;
music to their ears.

Wait.
Is it, is it what you-
you call this thing as 'pop' music?
Ackchoo~
Will somebody please get me a Kleenex?
I think I'm having an allegry.

Note: uh-huh. Did I cross the line? Am I getting haters on my site finally? Seriously, I don't really care. There's a pistol pointing to my head, trigger it if you must. This one is for all rock fans out there.

2007-04-18T13:38:00.000+08:00

Just me and my rock

http://i160.photobucket.com/albums/t188/aruguchichi/rockaholic-wannabecopy.jpg

Please do click on the link for the larger image. You gotta view this in full view.

Note: Alright, this is what J. has been working on these days. For non-rock fans , this might appear to be nothing to you. But that's fine , why don't you just play a game of guessing then ? Recognize anyone familiar in the picture? J. has been working to restore his rock roots and those posters he used to love so much when he first started out drawing. This piece will be entirely devoted and dedicated to those rock tracks that have been with him all these while. Well , there you have it, the finished pencils sketch , wait for the colored and completed

piece. Coming soon.

2007-04-15T22:03:00.000+08:00

Shoot me, I'm having an affair.

Where have you been? You asked.
Baby, I've always been here.
Believe not you seem,
that 'what the hell' look all over your face.
Suspicious of my every single movement and words.

Look. Look where?
Listen to me baby. No, I don't want to.
Can we talk this over rationally? Rationally huh?
Then tell me the truth now, I mean NOW.
It's definitely not what's you're thinking about alright,
'cause I know you doubted it all.
Oh. How do you know what when I didn't even mention it?

Something's wrong. Oh so wrong.
I have been busy with my works,
that you know matters a lot to me.
Do you not?
You mean like a lot of excuses so you can meet that cute chick over the street?
No. Please. Hear me out will you not?
Not.

How can I have something on going,
when all in my life;
is my works and you?
Didn't you always understand that;
sometimes my works requires a little more of me?

Your works or her? You questioned again.
What her?
You're the only her in this conversation.
Ok.
Since you think that I'm having an affair,
why don't you , go take that gun off the rack and,
shoot me;
because I'm having an affair with my art.

Note: Alright. So that's a stab at romance. But so what ? Aint part of it kinda true too? Just one entry for the fun of it. Bear with me.

2007-04-06T12:47:00.000+08:00

You're weed. I'm a junkie.

I love the way you gaze at me,
the idea that you are all that I need,
that sudden fire burning within.
Such beautiful uncertainty,
such uncertainty so beautifully.

Each day passes by; gently; slowly
Time was never enough with you
Every single moment I yearn for you;
die for you; live for you.
What is this funny feeling I'm experiencing?
That- that high for
You.

Let's not talk about the past you said,
what matters is now.
For we are all built upon our past
but building for the future.

I can't stop wondering if it's true.
That we have met before, heard before, seen before.
A moment face to face, in the passing crowd,
books dropping at school, or even
a I'm sorry perhaps?

You love the way my expression changed;
upon your soft embrace, the touch like none others
I;
die every single time in your touch,
And when I do, I want your hands on my eyes,
your hair over my face,
because
there's no aroma and ecstasy feeling like yours.

Note: Now, that's a whole new way of saying it. I'm so addicted. Hope you like the new style.

2007-03-31T14:46:00.000+08:00

The reason.

I lie alone under the unforgiving rain
Reminiscing not about the past spent
That moment froze
In time; in a lifetime

The crossroads seem so near again
Yet all I see is your beautiful face under the moonlight
Darling, will we ever love again?
Love like never before
But it's all fading away now

You told me once the sand slips from your hands
It can never be found again
'Cause they belonged to the ground now
And the long gone is only for remembrance

Oh how saddening and beautiful you sound
But you know not my dear
My once loved
That you're the only reason I still wake up in the morning

Note: J. reckon it's about time he came up with something to write. It's been a while. A long while indeed.

2007-03-28T22:21:00.000+08:00

http://img2.freeimagehosting.net/uploads/75524b8155.jpg

Good morning ; Heartache.

You must be wondering why is there only a thumbnail of the picture don't you ? I reckon putting up the whole piece in small size here just doesn't do it justice and I wanted to focus on this part of the picture here too. That painful expression in the picture. Go on , click on the link and view it in full size. You won't regret it, that i promise you. The rough scribbling on the bottom of the pic came after I finished the picture; I had wanted to add in some after thoughts before it slips my mind. I'll pen it down here roughly though , 'cause I highly doubt you can read it from the picture. Here's what I wrote there.

" Imagine having to wake up every morning with some kind of pain in your body, the feeling of trying to live with it and trying to get over it every morning. The same pain that brings back unpleasant memories of the past you were intending to forget every night but never did, I mean how could you? Not especially with that kind of pain reminding you every time you wake up. This is what this piece is all about, getting used to some facets of life you can't change and having to live with the pain for the rest of your time. That's courage my friend, the one thing we required most of the time but not having enough. I sketched this off a daredevil issue as a reference sketch initially but ended up finishing off the piece in complete pencils. "

Hope you guys like this one as well. If the previous entry was how I felt before , this is how I'm feeling now. It's Good Morning; Heartache.

2007-03-23T21:14:00.000+08:00

Eventually.

My room is in a mess. The nights were tormenting. I couldn't get decent rest no more. Each night I lie awake on my bed awaiting daybreak. It was hell on Mother Earth. I toss; 3:14. I turned; 3:25. Blink blink; 3:45. Still no sleep. Time passes by like snail mail and it's frightening that way and I can't stop wondering if there's something wrong with me. Really wrong.

Maybe I'm stressed up, maybe I'm having issues. These days, I've been relying a lot on the surround sound system in my room. It's almost like a habit, some kind of routine I gotta keep up nightly. My player churns out slow soft rock tracks trying to coax me to sleep like a newborn baby. It's the best I can come out with ever since I'm having a dilemma. You see , having to pick which hand to pen words down is simply no choice at all. It's like more of getting used to it. I'm trying hard to. I couldn't pick up a pen without thinking that it's no longer the same anymore. Confused my friend? So am I.

So am I.

Let me just break this down a little more for you. Picture this, if the one thing you worked so hard for all these years, all the sweet sacrifices you gave for it and the only thing you so faithfully believe in took a turn around and stabs right back at you. How will you feel? Probably like this, maybe even worst. That's not what matters though , because life still goes and all you gotta do is just live with it. Yeah , if only it was that easy. So what is it you asked ?

Ladies and gentlemen; it's my art, my passion.

Maybe it feels lame to you but it has been with me for ages and it's not that easy to give it up just like that. It's already a part of me now. Not especially when I made known my decision to give it up due to circumstances and rationality. Then someone came along and told me that she thought the poetry I wrote was pretty good and she used to do pure lit. It was pure sweet compliment, I thank you much and that pretty much shake my decision to shut this site down for good just because I thought my art is dead. I just don't feel like drawing and writing no more , you know?

Not anymore. I mean, how could I ?

Just because it's a whole lot easier idea to give this all up and concentrate on my future studies and make my future studies my whole idea of passion. Passion; future degree. Hobby; future degree. That way, it ceases the pain to the minimal. Suddenly, the idea of taking the easy way out seems so appealing to me now. God, I hate myself. So I allow myself to plunge.

When my world is reduced to a miserable diminishing candlelight, somebody with a Zippo came along and fired it up, bringing me back instantly. The necromancy to conjure a dance of the dead. I rise. You don't have to do this, you don't have to. My head kept telling me. It's like a stranger coming along and helped a fellow man getting up on his feet. The pat on the back in this critical moment. Feels good; feels like forever. Thank you so much.

A trip down memory lane brings me back a year ago where my man, Justin was talking to me about fulfilling our dreams. Maybe during that period of time, we were given a choice but sometimes you don't get to pick, life chooses you. Now, both of us are on en route to something else. How ironic my dear friend. It all feels like yesterday, good old yesterday.

So eventually I got over it, realised that sometimes we simply don't have a choice. Just have to do what's right but what really is? I don't know man. I seriously don't. But what I do know is when life deals you a bad hand, take it and show you're worth of the challenge.

And there's no such thing as giving up, only weakness.

Not all heroes stand tall.

Note: I had wanted to name this as 'Death in the family' but Marvel already holds the honor to that title. I'm quite a Batman fan since a child and there's never really an issue about Alferd's death but this is how it feels like now. Vulnerability. God damn vulnerability. It's almost the perfect timing to kill me now. This , my dear viewers is my comeback piece. Because it's a whole lot easier to accept the fact that my art is no good and I'm rejected but that didn't happen. Sorry. What will Batman be without Alferd? Where will I be without Art School? I guess both Bat and I share a common here , learning to live with it. I hope you like this piece though. It's by far the truest piece and the one I seriously feel about it , maybe it's nothing much to you but it's a hell lot to me. Looks like I'm not gonna give up after all, I just need some time to adjust. Do click on it for full view though, there's texture on the piece , not a case of lousy scan mind you. May the Angels watch over your sleep.

Yours truly, J.
Goodnight, ladies and gentlemen.

2007-03-13T23:59:00.000+08:00

J attempt to bring that 'comic' book look on one of his previous piece. Hope u will like this.

I'm alone.

2007-03-07T20:22:00.000+08:00

So much hate

I hate those noises on the train, it's gets to your back , in between your eyes and blacken slowly over your ears, threatening to overpower them. Laugh all you want but it's true , if you listen to it carefully enough you will realise I'm not shitting you. Sometimes it's nasty in that way but most of the time it's like an intrusion to my privacy, like when somebody goes poking their nose in your top drawer trying to dig out what kind of gel and after-shower cream you use.

Well , this might sound weird but there's all different sort of voices on the train. I'm sure you know but didn't really realise it until someone tell you so , I'm gonna be that someone now. Apart from the usual babies crying, kids running and screaming and grannies talking loudly over their cell and oh, let's not forget my all time favorite smash mouths (foul mouthed teens swearing vulgarities like it's the 8 o'clock BBC news) That's probably the real reason I hate the train, besides the unfriendly crowd that is. In this case, it's a crowded train with tons of smash mouths.

Tsk tsk. So much hate.
What has the world done against them?

I have my fair share of disliking this world (who doesn't anyway?), keeping one side of my hair longer than the other , partially defiant, partially because I hate the world. The longer side usually covers one of my eyes and I like it that way because I would get to see lesser of the cruel world with one vision slightly 'tainted'. Who needs this much of the world anyway?

I certainly don't.
Then again, that was the past, good old past that's gone for a reason.

These days I don't keep my hair the same way as before. I found a thing call shades. (works better though) but standing amidst the crowd in the train is not much any better than before. Bunch of teens still hanging around, still as fouled mouth, still talking with such volume one only associate during wartimes. Excuse me? I'm not fucking deaf you know?
Nor blind either.

I see and hear you young punks perfectly; crystal clear and I mean it by every single word. They treated their life like living in a goldfish bowl, fully exposed and very vulnerable. Popcorn , check.
Tickets for two, check. Screen 3 showing A teenager life fully exposed, check. Turn to your right and you will see number 5 cinema sir , please enjoy your show.

Yes , very vulnerable indeed.

What's up with all that swearing?
Swearing? What swearing are you talking about, old fart?

It sucks to feel like 60 when you're only 20. Often , I wonder if some freak accident swap my soul somewhere. I feel so old suddenly. Vinyl records old that is. And I still hate the train , hate the noise and most of all, hated the people making it. My shades can't block that much out though.

That's why I love my music player.

Note: J. believes Kaoru must have felt the same when she reads this and he loves the line she left as a comment so much he decided to write something about it. Hope you will like it K. Good luck for your studies.

2007-03-04T02:07:00.000+08:00

Almost missing..

http://www.sendmefile.com/00509483

Note: I couldn't write the whole short story here , as much as i tried to keep it as a short story , it's still kinda long. Jo, this is specially for you. One whole short story dedicated to you for all the time you have taken to help me out with my folio, i hope u will like this thou, you have to d/l the file. It's not a virus , don't worry and Steph , I love the word u said about me so much , I added it in, hope you don't mind. (It's a little troublesome thou, just go into the link and wait for the d/l to start in 10)

2007-02-23T23:19:00.000+08:00

Rebellion

I will not give up this struggle
The fight to be with you
You called me a rebel
And die shall I in the name of this revolution
For I rather perish in love
Than lose without a battle
Desolate me if you must
Leave if you lose the will and faith
As this war will never be easy
So shall I fight alone
And die defending the name of love

Note: Sounds like someone , someone close.

2007-02-22T13:22:00.000+08:00

Puppet

He tells everyone a story
Because he feels his life is boring
And he lies
so you won't ignore him
Because that's his biggest fear
And he cries, but you'll rarely see him do it
He loves, but he's scared to use it
So he hides behind the music
Cause he likes it that way

He knows,
he's so much more than worthless
He needs to find the surface
Because he's starting to get nervous

He's calling out to You
This is a call, this is a call out
Everytime I fall down
I reach out to you
And I'm losing all control now
And my hazard signs are all out
I'm asking you
to show me what this life is all about

Have you ever felt this way before?
Cause I don't want to hide here anymore
Take me to a place where nothing's wrong
and,Thanks for coming
shut the door
They say someone out there sees us
Well if you're real then save me Jesus,
Cause I've been this way, for far too long
I wasn't meant, to feel alone

Note: Extracts from Thousand Foot Krutch - This is a call. It has nothing to do with the picture thou , J. added it in because he feels it suits the mood of the picture. Ain't we all puppets sometimes , manipulated and controlled by others ? For your info , the white borders is included specially for this site.

2007-02-09T00:10:00.000+08:00

Let's Fuck this up , shall we ?

I had almost made the title, "Fuck me please?" to make it a typical dumb blonde headline. The thing i have noticed lately can't stop me from saying this. Have you realised that we all have an addiction of using the F word often? Come on man, let's just face it. How many times a day do we associate that word into our vocab? It's - wait , wait for this , almost 1 out of every 20 sentences or so. OK , maybe that doesnt apply to everybody but i'm pretty sure a lot of us do that. I certainly do. It's just too good a word not to be use, one word Fuck describes so much and more. Maybe it's the culture we are living in now , the "MTV" era and all those books lying around in bookstores with that word written in most of their books and those movies and shows on TV, that idea of Livin' the American Dream and get fuck up like one of them. No offences but yeah , that's pretty much it. Please , if anybody reading this is telling me you don't use that word, don't go on reading and fuck off. I don't want to taint you further and ended up as the World's Top 10 worst influences side by side of Paris Hilton. No , thank you and i don't even need to take a picture with her even if it's fully paid for and stuff. Opps.

Since I have covered the F word section , I'll just move down the alphabetical order shall we? Ditch the F word and the S word comes out immediately , sometimes even simultaneously. Oh , I have such a hard time choosing which one to talk about. Will it be Sex or Shit? I guess I will leave the sex part for you and your boys and girls. You see, the problem with us is that we have so much words to choose from other than shit. You can almost say , we're spoilt for choices but we just choose not to. Take for instance , I had a meal with a close friend at a certain restaurant. Nice place , posh looking. Here comes the waitress with her mane tied back in a punkish manner complete with gothic makeup on her pretty face.

"What shall we have today?" goes my friend undecided as usual.

On the other hand, I have decided to see if this punk chick has anything up her sleeves.
"So tell me, what's the recommendation of the day?"

She goes ranting away in a manner I almost thought some huge bling bling rap star has taken over. When this quicker than I-bet-I-Can-Rap-Faster-Than-You recommendation ordeal is over, my friend has already decided to make order. So, I have decided to take the easy way out, taking whatever she's having than to face Missy E(illot) in another rap battle again. Then , my friend decided to check out what she's having just in case. "So , what exactly is in this? The menu's not to clear about it." "Oh , just some meat and shit."

I didn't really know that nowadays they do serve meat with shit. It was almost creative of the food industry I must say. Look, my point is being, use the shit word as much as you like but when you're doing the service and food industry , please try to forgo that in your sentences. Somebody might just take you literally.

I hate to say this but I guess this is the new generation, where our vocab does include a few vulgarities every now and then. Still , that doesn't mean we're not cultured people. Let's not stereotype all the teenagers as people whom swear al the time, there's still some good apples left in the basket. To sum it all up, I don't think it's such a horrible thing including all those F & S in your sentences. Just you know, use it in an appropriate situation. We won't want to be taking an order of "Can I have some fries with those fucking tasty sauce and shit?" will we?

2007-02-03T02:41:00.000+08:00

Rise against freedom

For all our failures , the strength we failed to gather and the many nights we wish Superman was more than just a pretty boy in tight blue suit.

Ben , sorry i took so long for this. Should have done this ages ago. I didn't know how to put it but i didn't really took a very long time to finish this. Oh well , it's finally done.There's something about not rendering Ben's face, 'cause he can be everywhere and anywhere. You know what i mean?

I know , the suit looks more like Cap. A than Superman. Perhaps that will give you a clue to where Ben is from ?

2007-01-30T13:45:00.000+08:00

Hey hey , Lindy Day , how many did you kill today ?

Hey hey , let's play a game
You will guess where I went today
I will lie to you
and you want to know why
I will try to explain
but you will get mad
Why can't I just tell the truth you asked
How can I when you have not?
I will say

Hey hey, don't you know
Isn't this what they meant to be together?
What they call
The game of love
Where I stab you in the back
and you stab mine back
After assuring each other we're alright
Crying the whole night away
and it is known as falling in love

Hey hey , can't you see?
Let's just call it now
Calling it quits now

Note: Very random indeed but not taken from a song or something. J. wrote this.

2007-01-21T17:10:00.000+08:00

Armor for Sleep

Car Underwater

Believe the news, I'm gone for good.
Call off the search, no one will know that im down here
Believe the note i left for you
You can't turn back the clocks, you can't pull me up from here so don't even try

I'm in a car underwater with time to kill, thinking back I forgot to tell you this
I didn't care that you left and abandoned me, what hurts more is i would still die for you.

I'm in a car underwater with time to kill, thinking back I forgot to tell you this
I didn't care that you left and abandoned me, what hurts more is i would still die for you.

Make time slower, give me longer.
It's too late for me, no one will know that im down here.
believe you're dreams of me sinking
so far, below, you can't pull me up from here so don't even try.

I'm in a car underwater with time to kill, thinking back I forgot to tell you this
I didn't care that you left and abandoned me, what hurts more is i would still die for you.

I'm in a car underwater with time to kill, thinking back I forgot to tell you this
I didn't care that you left and abandoned me, what hurts more is i would still die for you.

Leave it up to me. to burden you again.
This ones not your fault. Please forgive me.

Leave it up to me. to burden you again.
This ones not your fault. so forget, so forget, so forget me.

don't think back, don't think back of me at all.
just let me go.
don't think back, don't think back of me at all.
just let me go.
don't think back, don't think back of me at all.
Don't think back, don't think back of me at all.
Don't think back, don't think back of me at all.

Note: don't think back , don't think back of me at all. Just let me go.

2007-01-15T13:17:00.000+08:00

Achilles heel

In the silence of the night
He weighted his heavy thoughts
Fondling the pendant of his love
Reminiscing the moments lost
The sweet voice that he missed
Of his damsel waiting in despair
Fighting for her freedom
For that day she would be his
Often he wondered
How much more could he take
Before his will shaken
And the very wound that kept him going
Will eventually kill him

"No, you don't understand at all, you would have done the same in my situation."
Note: Written for an old friend. J. reckons you'll recognise the phrase anyway.

2007-01-12T11:49:00.000+08:00

The end is near.

When darkness turns to light/it ends tonight/it ends tonight. The song kept playing in his head. He just can't seem to stop thinking about it. It's careless, it's stupid , he made a mistake. A fatal one. He imagined what it would be like if he was caution, if he made plans to support his initial ones.

He began to understand what death feels like. It's like a slow painful wait in a cold, empty room where darkness begin creeping and seeping into you gently. The sound of the ticking clock in the silent room reminds him of an old noir film he had seen on television weeks ago. It was titled "the sound of silent."

Miller sits and awaits his verdict; the judgment day. The image of a hanged man on a twisted old tree kept crossing his mind. At times, the wait was so bad he had wanted to saw the old tree down visually. Just for the sound of it. Instead, he taps on his feet violently in a random rhythm. Miller wanted to pray so badly now. Say a prayer under his breath or something but nothing came out. Absolutely nothing at all. He realized that he hasn't been following God that closely lately.

Amen.

The door to the Principal's office opened.

Note: Just a little something for fun. Hope u enjoy reading it.

2006-12-30T12:21:00.000+08:00

Jack of all trade his heart for his soul

Note: Would you do the same? or the otherwise? This was fun to do , hope u like it the same anyway. The end of the year has been hectic hasn't it? J. didn't have much time to do lots of stuff lately. Well , he wishes all his friends and viewers an advance greetings in 2007. May you have a peaceful year ahead.

2006-12-22T13:16:00.000+08:00

"The rain can't fall forever" - Eric Draven

Note: Inspired by The Crow.

2006-12-14T00:17:00.000+08:00

In the land of silent.

As most of you whom already knew me or have been following my site closely, you would have realized that I am rather a 'dark' artist and I have always been morbidly fascinated by a lot of things in a dark fashion. Anyway, I am not the main topic of today.

Well, since Steph needed some help regarding her project so I guess I will provide some help for her? So here I am, presenting to all my viewers an article about depression. Hopefully, it could prove useful to her in some ways. Many a time, people assume or question the owner of this site itself. Is the author himself seriously depressed or he just hates the world? Or maybe life has been very unfair to him in one way or another.

A friend of mine once suggested a very interesting theory. She said that the author behind this pitch dark cyberspace would perhaps be a fat, ugly and heartbroken guy whom felt the world had gave up on him. No offend against any overweight guys please. I am just quoting her directly. It is an interesting theory I thought but nevertheless a stereotype theory though. Why is it that fat and ugly people are associated with depression? Does it means when you are not physically inclined or superficially beautiful, the world will not readily accept you? So what is it? The world has no penitence for less good looking people; less fortunate people? She's not in the wrong too, mind you. The world has not been quite a nice place lately.

It's not because life has been unfair to me or anything , I do my art the way it is because I feel that since I could present to you reality I would. Having met and known a lot of depressed people in my life, minor or major ones, I guess there is no one else in a better position to write this. The only thing is, I didn't go through depression myself.

So let's start with why people get depressed shall we? The way I see it, people get depressed because of various reasons. We shall look at the 3 main types. Firstly, self-blame. People tend to blame themselves when they did wrong but depressed people never get out of this. They stay the same way for days, blaming and laying the guilt on themselves. Secondly, it's self-pity. Those whom have made mistakes and were treated unfairly in their workplace will indulge in this behavior. They will tend to pity themselves in such situation and will not attempt to make it any better, they just keep telling themselves it's such a pity, such sorrow and they never get better. Eventually, they ended up depressed. Lastly, it's the pity-others. These people are usually very emotional and feel a lot towards others. Take for instance, a beggar on the streets. This person will feel a lot towards his state, he will keep thinking about the miseries the beggar went through and began a series of morbid thoughts which eventually depressed the person deeply.

I must say that not all depressions starts with relationships issues but it's usually somehow involved in it. Though, what I have covered is not ALL of the reasons why people get depressed but it's the few main reasons. Here's the breakdown of the no. of depressed people in the states.

Seven to 12 per cent of men suffer from diagnosable depression, and 20 to 25 per cent of women.
There are many theories as to why the figure is higher for women.
The incidence of postnatal depression certainly contributes to the higher figure.

Let's just go straight in teens depression then.

Each year 500,000 young adults, aged 15 to 25, attempt suicide.
Each year 5,000 young adults succeed.
Suicide is the third leading cause of death among 15 to 25 year olds.
Without treatment, of those who attempt suicide, 80 percent are likely to try again.
Teen depression almost always leads to suicidal thoughts.

Facts taken from bbc-health.com

With all these in mind, you will want to know what are the symptoms of depression won't you?

Traumatic events or changes in your life (an abusive parent, divorce, death of a loved one, or breaking up with a longtime girlfriend or boyfriend, for example)
Difficult coping with your anger
Prblems in school lifestyle changes such as weight loss, weight gain, or difficulty sleeping a desire to drink alcohol or use drugs an interest in violence or a growing fear of violence.

To put it in layman terms, the moment suicide thoughts such as cutting yourself up or jumping down the block will means serious depression and you will need to seek help.

If I will to go on, this will turn out to be a scientific report more than an article. I will not go into the means of curing depression. The reason I am doing this article is to bring awareness that depression is around you and that it is not a normal reaction like anger or jealousy. It is a ILLINESS. After reading so much of what I have wrote, I believe you do know about depression in a way or another. So, at the end of the day, if you found out that you belong somewhere in this article, please go seek help. This is all I can do for you. Thank you for reading.

2006-12-10T18:29:00.000+08:00

Failure

All my life
I have been trying to figure out what went wrong
Those were the darkest time
Where sorrow was the past

All those demons whispering to me
That I'm such a failure
Failing to understand the world so cruel
And beauty so superficially addictive

All these while
You've been trying to prevail upon me
That I've always been a failure
So nothing I do will redeem myself

All my life; all these while
I've been hanging on for dear life
Telling myself a failure won't last forever
And sorrow was the past

From the chaos I arise to my grace
To prove all of them wrong
Hoping you will see all of these
That you were never beside me when it happen
the only Failure you see now is yourself

2006-12-04T20:57:00.000+08:00

Resolutions

Well you guess it; it's that time of the year again. I can't say i've been talking a lot about myself here but nevertheless it's near the end of the year and i guess i could do something more light hearted once a while. Let's start with our resolutions shall we ? I know what you're gonna say. Why make resolutions when you don't keep them? Well , i'm pretty sure mine isn't that hard to keep.

1. Get a new pair of creative speakers
2. (Make my neighbors irritated) relevant to previous point
3. Walcom tablet
4. Work on my coloring
5. (Make neighbors more irritated) Get more rock tracks on my player
6. Get a few more Good literature books (Jowie, u reading this?)
7. Make lesser people read my site; it's depressing
8. No. 7 point is a joke.
9. More black tees
10. Make some one read my resolutions!

Note: Alright , i'm pretty sure that's very lame and not a lot of resolutions to keep but that's just for fun. No offence taken. So , try to make a few resolutions this year will you not? This time round , try to keep them. I'll try to keep mine too. Thank you for reading.

2006-11-28T21:55:00.000+08:00

A game of us

Shall we play
A game of us two ?
Where there are no winners
Not of you; nor of me

In this decieving game of us
There will be no conditions
Cruelty is the name of the play
And the failure will tears

So when you tell me this is over
I will feign that is the end
And still smile like before
After all the lies I was made to believe

Yet you will show no penitence
Like a seasoned player
That I was just a puppet
Just like any others toys of yours..

Undercourage.

2006-11-16T20:46:00.000+08:00

Hero

We need a Hero to save us
Redeem us from those despair
Make everything seem fine again
Restraining us from self-annihilation

We told us a Hero will save us
But we can't afford to wait
I'm not going hold on to unavailing hope
So this world can tear apart

I prayed to Heaven
Asking for a savior
But how can there be help
When there's no Love around?

Then the Raven took me to the skies
Above the skies; so high
Till I can see the world from above
To see what's left of Love we could salvage

It was only then They whispered to me
We can only save ourselves by ourselves
And what's left of humanity
When we stop living for ourselves

Undercourage.

This piece is done without the white borders , J. didn't want the piece to blend into his site so he added it in. Undercourage is for all those times you felt your faith is weakening , you lack of courage to go on and our inability to help ourselves. It's not linked to the above piece Hero thou, he thought he'll make this a longer one 'cause somehow Undercourage and Hero do link but was not made so. It's our lack of courage that requires a Hero to save us isn't it?

It has been a very busy week for J. and he been thinking about something over the weekend. What is it exactly do we seek nowadays ? Fame? According to a certain magazine , it's indeed one of the most desired thing lately but what digs? Look at it this way, see all those reality TV, those superstar rock singer and dancing competition, aren't it all for fame? But he can't really lift his finger on something. After fame , you get all those fans and stuff and you go mainstream. Ah, go mainstream , haven't you been dreaming about that since the first day you started? Yet again, you don't want all the attention on you. It's like you want the attention but you don't want all the attention on you. How contradicting is that? So do you or do you not desire fame? Or is money the devil? No, seriously , think of it in a rock music way. J.'s been a die hard rock fan for quite some time and he's pretty sure that most rock music fan will agree with him that once a good rock band goes mainstream , their songs aint as good as they used to be. WHY? Simple. 'Cause people are watching, people like parents, old folks , teacher and critics etc. You are restricted , you're responsible for those people listening to you. You are no longer doing music you like but instead , you are doing music they like. So the question is, DO you or do you not go mainstream then?

Perhaps there isn't a real answer to that. It all sums down to one simple equation. Your desire and your needs. You got to get it straight though. Your desire is something you want to have and not something you need to live, that my friend is a NEED ; not desire. May you have a peaceful week and thank you for reading.

2006-11-13T23:30:00.000+08:00

Flawed

I'm flawed
Make me beautiful again
You have no idea what it is like
To be what am I now

When I can't look straight in your eyes
'Cause I see nothing inside
Can't understand the world we're in
'Cause I see no love in it

You said you knew what love is
But all I see is a capricious being
Deceiving her ways
Building her happiness upon miseries

Yet I'm so flawed
Failing to see through your lies
As my faith weaken
and I submit to those improbable contrivances

2006-11-11T10:32:00.000+08:00

Forsaken

Where am I now?
This outlandish place that I do not recognise
Shadows in ever corner I turn
Ragmen crawling on the streets
Speaking in tongues

I feel like i'm losing it here
I can't seem to understand them
Those foreign words out of their mouth
That cold hard stare everyone possesses
As if they're looking at a murderer

Father;
O' Father , Father
Why have you forsaken me?
Forsaken me like i've sinned
Condemn me in this hellish place

Why won't you tell me
What have i done to deserve this?
And be damned ?
Father, Father
I'm down on my kneels now

Why wouldn't you be my savior?

2006-11-07T19:02:00.000+08:00

Rain of pain

I stood endlessly
Drowning in my miseries
Watching the droplets fall from my hair
As I stared into the beautiful rain
Wondering if the skies had cried for me
Yet I can no longer differentiate;
the rain from my tears
Why won't you tell me the truth
But only lies?
Such a fool am I
To believe in those fathomable words of yours
Yet only Heaven knows
And weeps for
Such a fool standing with his pain

Note: K. sometimes J. wish u were right beside him. He needs you real badly; his only ally in this struggle.

2006-11-04T21:12:00.000+08:00

The smile

There is a smile of love,
And there is a smile of deceit,
And there is a smile of smiles
In which these two smiles meet.

And there is a frown of hate,
And there is a frown of disdain,
And there is a frown of frowns
Which you strive to forget in vain.

For it sticks in the heart's deep core
And it sticks in the deep back bone;
And no smile that ever was smil'd,
But only one smile alone.

That betwixt the Cradle & Grave
It only once Smil'd can be;
But, when it once is smil'd,
There's an end to all Misery.

Note: Taken from William Blake. J. has been having the mental block again and has been unable to come out with any real work. Please bear with him and pardon him during this time period.

2006-11-03T18:36:00.000+08:00

[To be honest , i think love is a complete bullshit]

For a start, i don't have anybody i'm in love with. To be honest, i think love is a complete bullshit. I don't think anyone ever loves anyone. I think the best people ever get is horny; horny and scared. So when they find someone who makes them horny; and they get too scared of the world outside, they stay together and call it love.

Note: Taken from Sandman , the high cost of living. J. thought this is kinda interesting and decided to post it here.

2006-10-28T12:54:00.000+08:00

Crimson in despair

The look in my eyes
Wild fire burning within
She looks up at me and whisper
That this is the last

My promises ever so broken
A love so demanding
The passion forever weakening
Our worlds world apart

Things I don't belong with
Places that we used to be
Time lost in my hands
Slipping through like sand

The last time we are seen
Brought back nothing but pain
Her last words were
Heaven is no where near here

10 years down the road
Where am I without you
You are calling another name
While I am still reminiscing about
The beginning of all endings

Note: Just a little something J. wrote along with this..

2006-10-25T22:00:00.000+08:00

Lithium

O' darlin' please
tell me what will i do without you
That feeling of losing you
and those thoughts i can't let go of

Lithium
Make me sleep again tonight
Cease my endless nights
Hide my emptiness and don't let it show

'Cause i can't live without you
Can't pretend to smile when i'm unhappy
Or stop wondering what's wrong with me inside
I just want to forget how it feels

To stand alone
Against this world
The one where no one understands
why am i popping these small white pills

Note: Lithium is a drug for depression and mind you , there's a lot people out there on it, it's probably as best selling as Prozac. One fine day , the world will be divided by Prozac and Lithium. Get it? Depression is on the rise , get help when u know u're depressed. Depression can be cured.

2006-10-23T13:18:00.000+08:00

I met a seer.
He held in his hands
the book of wisdom.
'Sir' i addressed him,
'let me read.'
'child-' he began.
'sir' i said,
'think not that i am a child,
for already i know much
of that which you hold.
Aye much.'
he smiled.
Then he opened the book
and held it before me
-strange that i should have grown so suddenly blind

Note: Taken from Stephen Crane. I met a seer.

2006-10-19T12:44:00.000+08:00

All that pain - Full American Hero.

This is dedicated to one of the most respected artist out there; Ben Miller. Well , Ben's not your average artist, he's a nude male photographer/model/stock artist. Providing contributions to the art society , Deviantart artist and thousand of stock images out there. His endless attempt plays an important part to anatomy artist and stock manipulators out there. Personally, he's been my source of anatomy studies and it's been important for me as i do draw fine arts sometimes. As much as I respect his decision to provide us with those helpful images , there are people whom steal his works or even worst , including him in sexual content which pretty much hurts him a lot.

So , Here I am, dedicating this piece to the Full American Hero; Ben Miller.

For all that pain Ben took to do whatever he firmly believes in , for all that pain he has taken to bring us wonderful pictures even though he knew he risk having his pictures misuse and for all that pain that he took for the first step.

Hope this piece ease your pain a little. My Full American Hero. And all my respect to the man.

Full view please.

2006-10-13T14:37:00.000+08:00

Chapter 1.
Sin Box.

I guess I will write a little bit more before I turn in for the night. No , I don't usually have insomnia. Not at this time of hour but yet I can't seem to fall asleep. The thoughts of her beautiful face kept running through my mind every time I tried to sleep. Over and over again. The blinking cursor waited for me patiently as I tried typing the next line in. Yet nothing came out. Nothing; absolutely nothing at all.

And I fell asleep.
Somehow.

I found myself awake with the bright LCD screen staring at me violently. I forced myself awake and went to work with that aching headache in my mind. What's the headache creeping inside you might ask? Guilt? or just a really bad case of headache.

That's what I'm gonna tell you now.

I write for a living , literally. Not as in write -write but I do journals, articles , news report and art review etc. It's my career , my passion and my dream since schooling days. You see , I'm on my daily assignment by my editor to round up a few churches and interview a few pastors for the local news column. Easy stuff, so I thought. Won't take me too long. So picked the church nearby , like just right across the street and went through the doors of the charming gothic-looking Roman church. I was greeted with the peaceful choirs and beautiful ancient paintings by the sides until an old man in black shirt interrupted my moment of serenity.

"Sir, is there something I can help you with or do you need a moment for yourself?"

"Yeah, I could do with some help."

"You see, I'm a writer, here on an assignment about local churches and their pastors ? I would like to interview one for my report?"

"I'm sorry but he's not around, would you like to wait for him then?" "He'll be back in about an hour or so."

"Alright, mind if I look around , take some pictures and stuff then?"

"The house of the God is open to you and anyone whom lives in his name."

"Thank you."

"I will be around if you need me."

"Will do , I'll wander around a little."

I wished I didn't say that but it's too late to take that back now. So, I went into the confession box, wanting to take a picture from the inside of the 'Sin box'. Confession box so they called it but I didn't expect to hear one that quickly , the moment I stepped in , someone spoke up.

"Father, I've sinned."

"Eh, but I'm-"

"Please Father, you got to listen to me."

"Lady, Listen I-"

"Father, I beg of you; you got to let me say it out before I lose the courage to. Please."

Two tries, two tries was all it took to shut me up. Should have insisted that I'm not the man she's seeking for. I really should have and it was a very very bad mistake.

"Thank you."

"Father, I have lied and harmed people, you may think it is not as serious as I think it might be or a lot of other people had done that before and it's not such a huge sin."

"But- but, I'm telling you Father. It was worst. I was on drugs that other day and I - I don't know what came over me but I pushed someone over the stairs, he fell and he didn't wake up." "He is still lying in the hosptial now."

"I mean, I didn't do it on purpose. I don't know why I did that but i'm as guilty as charged and I don't know how to make it up to him." "Father, what would I do now?"

That was it. I swore I heard her weeping and it's too late to turn back now. It was the point of no return and I had to let her go on.

"Father, what am I supposed to do now? I've been living with the guilt ever since." "He's my ex-boyfriend you know and the worst thing is nobody else knew it was me." "I mean they all thought he got high on drugs and fell himself. I was thinking , would it be better if they knew it was me? That way , I don't have to live with the guilt. Is that selfish Father?" "Am I?"

"Help me Father."

"Please...."

"Ple-"

She broke down; just like that and I didn't have the chance to speak. I waited, for ten minutes? maybe shorter? I don't know. It was like the longest ten minutes in my life and I had to do something about it. I dashed out of the box and to her section of the box, pulled away the curtain and saw her crying inside. She had sharp features and her pretty face was smeared with her black mascara. "Eh, I-"

I didn't think she heard me.

"Miss , I'm sorry but I -"

She looked at me, right into my eyes and I found myself morbidly fascinated by the fact that she was still gorgeous even when she's weeping. We stared at each other for a moment. That moment felt naked. It felt like the naked truth. She ran out of the box and through the door of the church.

Gone. Just like that.

I didn't even had time to react to it. So much for an easy report. I guess I had more than enough for a day.

So , you think I was thinking about her pretty face so much till I can't get to sleep? Guess again, that's not even close. It's just the beginning.

The beginning of it all.

Note: J. started a new story again. This time round with a page of illustration for each chapter . Somehow, this feels like it's gonna take a long while though. Please pardon him if the chapters are released slowly because he has got to work on the illustration as well. The sketch book-like illustrations were made on purpose. Hope you enjoy this , thank you for reading.

2006-10-10T13:07:00.000+08:00

The drugs don't work no more

It's killing me inside
To see you confined in this space
Slipping away from me slowly
As you grew weaker day by day

This glass panel
Separating you from my love
Watching as you deteriorate inside
As the drugs don't work no more

Do you ever know
how painful it is to see you dying inside
how much it hurts me more than you ?
And I wish we could switch places
So that you can see for yourself;
feel for yourself
As the sickness overwhelm

Everyday I'll try to touch your decaying face
but I'm restricted by this protection
The only protection keeping me away from you
How I wish I could cuddle you now
Commiserate you from the pain

So near;
yet so far

Knowing that every single day
That you are one step nearer
Nearer to the stairs of heaven
Into God's embrace

2006-10-08T14:09:00.000+08:00

The sound of his wings

Have you ever imagined;
what will death be like?
Is it like the darkness overwhelming
a hunger that devours completely
Or that cold urging you to give up?

Have you ever felt his presence
hear the sound of his wings
whenever death is near?
He stood quietly in the corner
Waiting for the right time

He takes them cold
while they are defenseless
and weak
Yet I fear not of his curse
For death is a new beginning

Note: A pity J. can't show it off in a bigger size than this one. Enter the world of art theft. You need to view this in full details as much of the efforts spent on manipulations are in fine details. Seek J. then. He'll show you the full pic.

2006-10-06T19:01:00.000+08:00

Piano

Softly, in the dusk, a woman is singing to me;
Taking me back down the vista of years, till I see
A child sitting under the piano, in the boom of the
Tingling strings
And pressing the small, poised feet of a mother who
Smiles as she sings.

In spite of myself, the insidious mastery of song
Betrays me back, till the heart of me weeps to belong
To the old Sunday evenings at home, with winter
Outside
And hymns in the cosy parlour, the tinkling piano our
Guide.

So now it is vain for the singer to burst in clamour
With the great black piano appassionato. The glamour
Of childish days is upon me, my manhood is cast
Down in the flood of remembrance, I weep like a child for
The past.

Note: This is a beautiful work by D. H. Lawrence that J. wishes to share with all his viewers. There's this thing about that piano that always get him all soft and comfy inside , don't you feel it sometime? Hope you guys like this as well.

2006-10-04T12:45:00.000+08:00

What if

What if I wrote you a song
To tell you how much meant to me
Would you cry to those words
And held on to me dearly ?

What if I recite you a poem
To confess how you made me melt
Would you pick me up
And solidify me once again ?

What if I drew you a picture
A portrait of your beautiful face
Would it touch your heart
And tell how much I love you?

What if I had no talents at all
And I have nothing like such to offer

Write no songs to tears you
Recite no poems to melt you
And draw no pictures to touch you

Would you;
Still love me like before ?

Note: Ebel, this is specially for you. J. do know you will prefer his darker works any day but he reckon something nice would do well for once? Hope you like this one and may you have a peaceful week ahead.

2006-10-01T12:11:00.000+08:00

K I S S

Alright, perhaps this is not the kiss you are expecting to see. This is one member of the band KISS; in superhero style. The typical clock tower pose should be more than enough to hint that. As you know or might not know, I have a deep liking for spawn and Barry pretty much got me convinced that some of the finest artist around does comic book. I must say i'm kinda inspired by that to make this happen. Well , so there you have it. KISS as a superhero. Painted the piece in watercolor and digitally enhanced the clock tower background. Hope you like this one as well.

2006-09-28T16:57:00.000+08:00

Queen.

I the pawn of your game
Twisted and manipulated by your hands

Say what about the rules we obliged
There be no rules you said
Nor of winners in this game
Not of you
Not of I

You the Queen of this board
I the pawn of your hand
Sent us to war you cried
Die shall we in the name of the Queen

My royal knights you beckon
Your service will be honored by death
Bitter is the war we fought alone
Decay is the only expression in our eyes

O' my beloved Queen hear my tears
Will you only be satisfied upon my death
What of those whom disintegrate with us
Do they deserve to share my fate ?

Kept denying us of our longing
My love;
My Queen
And love will tear us apart

2006-09-19T20:41:00.000+08:00

Step

Take one step at at time, a step at a time. Patience my friend , is a virtue ; not haste. Steph , I know this is part of your name and yes this is about you. I was just thinking about you back then, like a day ago ? I realised I have made some discoveries about you which never really occurred to me since I knew you. Firstly , it starts with patience. No, i'm not saying you have none of it. I'm sure you have but it's a different kind of patience we're talking about here. You always seem to rush and I do believe that it's not good for your works but it seem to me you are pretty used to such a way of life and it's not really possible to ask you to make changes now. That, i'm not asking of you Steph, not that. It is to my understanding that you will hardly read my site and even if you do , I do not see a issue if I spoke my personal views of you. If you do find it offending , I offer my apologises and I'll remove this upon your request. It's just that you do always get me thinking about you from time to time. The funny thing is , sometimes it's a week , a day or even a few hours difference. Don't get me wrong here , I'm not in love with you. I don't deny I'm fond of you but not in that fashion. Not that fond- fond. Just fond. You know? You did however contribute to changes of my art works and I deeply appreciate the fact that I got to know you. I'm thankful and I still owe you a piece. Since I could not produce the piece at this moment I do not see why I can't dedicate an entry to you. You have been important to me in ways perhaps you never knew of but it's not of importance. I didn't know if it would make a huge difference if I knew you earlier but one thing is for sure , I'm glad it's not too late. So ask me , why do I write one whole entry about you and how I think of you then? Simple Steph. Just to appreciate you being here in my life. You make a diff actually, just to let you know. That is all. One whole entry just to let you know that and for the rest of you reading me. I'm sorry I put you through this. =D

2006-09-17T10:48:00.000+08:00

Once.

We were all once so stubborn
So childish and naive
Refusing to believe what they say
Suddenly we grew up so quickly
Part of us became the past
Looking back at our callow self
Feeling so guilty of those fatuous games we play
Of the girl we once kiss
And believing she's yours forever
It's funny how you called my name back then
How affectionate it used to sound
But I was headstrong
Insisting on a breakup
Never wanting to see you again
We were all once so wrong
Would you forgive me now ?

Note: He looks at her gently in her eyes. Waiting for the right moment to kiss her. She glares back with overwhelming affection and said "Kiss me and I'll be yours forever." He hesitated. "Good thing you reminded me."

Guided By Voices

2006-09-16T01:18:00.000+08:00

A mock up poster J. did some time ago. Guided By Voices is one of the older rock band that's still rocking. J. wanted a theme to do a mock up rock poster for Guided By Voices and since he was going to draw a poster he thought it would be a fine idea to present it to one of his friend who's going for an Op soon. Well , the only thing he wanted his viewers to see was the angel and the devil. Can't tell? The original theme name was The Heartbroken Operation but his friend didn't like that very much. So there you have it, The Last Beat like his friend wanted it. Hope you guys like it as well. Thank you for reading.

2006-09-12T23:01:00.000+08:00

Absence of Miseries

He tries hard to smile
Hides the pain in the rain
Laying the guilt on himself
'Cause it's easier
For him to slay sorrows within
And put it behind a mask
He lives to pretend
Telling everyone he has gotten over
The heartbroken operation
That deprives him of his smile
Every night he wonders
What exactly is he missing out
Something he can't really get a hold of
So every now and then he seeks
For something he don't even know
But not been miserable doesn't mean happiness
Why can't others understand ?
He may have been flawed
And dispossessed of miseries
But it doesn’t make him a happy man.

Note: Can't dig happiness? Why not try absence of miseries? Go figure. This is the offical first entry of my site, the rest of the two were created way back where there's plans to shift site but didn't really happen. For your info , the picture on the background is done by me and the copyright belongs to me. She's a french model and you will need permission to take anything from this site. I took out the icons as well , reckoning I could do with a fresh look and we're no longer linked. I've lost most of them, sadly. Hope you guys like the new look thou.

Disconnect.

Disconnect me of my broken wings and rust
Let the plague overwhelm me
Condemning me in the list of the fallens
Isolated from the world

Try to fix me not
For I am meant to stand alone in the darkness
Among the shadows
Tainting everywhere I walk along

Let me walk alone
The dark as my friend
The light be afraid of me
And you cannot get to me in my realm

We shall come to a truce
I will rule all darkness
You the light
And there will be no compromise

Disconnect me from this cruel world
That I failed to understand of
Those sick games people play
Where conscious is no longer a word they write of

In this place where I have long been disconnected from

"Why can't people in love stay together?"

Note: This will be a particularly long entry as J. tries to revive the last few entries of his previous site for convience sake.

Destiny.

Note: This is the first part of Love will tear us apart, for Jon's sake. For full size glory : http://img301.imageshack.us/img301/9950/lovewilltearusapartic5.jpg and prehaps you might wonder, why is the title Destiny instead ? Guess there's some explaining to do ya ? Well , let's start off with when someone told J. that everyone on this world has a certain destiny meant for them. Some singers, some writer , some photographers and etc. At first, it didn't really make much sense to him. Destiny and what we do. Hm. Doesn't seem so , some people don't like what they are doing don't they ? But then again , if everyone is working as a corporate or industry slave. Who the hell is gonna draw , make music and do movies? Everyone must be doing something and others something else. So, what determines who does what? Maybe his friend is right after all. Destiny decides. Go figure.

Untitled.

Ask me not why I do not do happiness
For I hate to dig my deeply drained well
To salvage that little bit of what's left
So scarce till there's none to dwell upon

The spade of memories kept digging my deserted soil
Hoping to seek presence of happiness
But I disappoint it
Time and time again

Many times too often
I shed tears of miseries
Wanting to keep my well a little damp
Just enough to keep those memories vivid

Ponder me not about the days of un-emptiness
Where Sundays never seem gloomy
So I can actually close my eyes to sleep
Days where the rain never felt cold

Understand me why
I choose to stand alone in the darkness
Against the world so twisted
So corrupted that truth is never really how words can put it
Wanting to see for myself how I can prove it wrong

And that all is not lost
Yet again I could never

Those leaves falling from your tree
Swearing they have seen better days
And decided it's time to leave
To depart from this world we all failed to interpret.

Note: Sorry , this did not have a title. I couldn't come out with one. Maybe the closest will be self-explainary but I understand that that will mean simple to read but this is none of it and I have decided to take the Shakespearic approach. Words will only be words to those who do not feel them. Well , one more thing. These are meant to be on the previous entry but somehow I left them out , perhaps you wanted to see. Here's it. In the world where men fell for menGirls rather be with girlsAnd everybody can't tell who's who nowadaysAm I the odd one out actually ?Lastly; Dear. Take whatever pics you want to, I'll give you special permission for it.

Antidote

"It's so freaking sick to hear that you still miss me after all the lies you put me through, do you actually miss lying to me? "

Leave me alone
Let me stand in the darkness
Reminiscing about the days we were meant
Of the million lies
You kept complicated
So none of us will find out
And how much it hurts then

It hurts now

Sick and tired
Of closing my eyes every time a sad show is on
To be reminded of my own past
Tears that you dropped
When you are the one deceiving me
Yet I'm so dumb

So fucking dumb

To believe it all
I'm even willingly to die for you then
It all makes sense now
If only I'm rational enough to realise before
But yet
Yet you're the one
The one antidote that get me by

Home

I just want to lie on the field
Under the October sun
Soak myself to the skin
Running in the pouring rain
Stand on top of those hills
Shouting your name hundred times
And how much I miss you
Every now and then
I will hug the tree where we met
Say a prayer under it
Wishing you well
Whereever you are
I will sing you those songs I wrote
While you were gone
Of promises we vowed never to break
Please come back home soon

Twisted Fairytales

I will read you a story
A story about this world
This sick world

Sick world

Where people are turning pedophilia
Where wars never stop
Where people no longer care
Where kindness is a word too little

All the fairytales
They starts spinning
Of how many they laid
And how much jewels they have kept

All the twisted fable
And the lies they have told
The love they cheated on
That person they have dumped

I'm starting to wonder
Where did all those fairytales
We once loveOnce knew; went to ?
I guess those fairytales were just fakes

And the only tales I see now
Are those twisted fairytales
That everyone has one or two to tell

Note: EJ , there you have it. Twisted fairytales. Fairytales in adults world does not ever exist. These are all the tales we spin.

Seek.

All of my life I have been seeking
Been confused
Lost in between of nowhere
Just to get to you
You of all my eternity
The reaper of my soul
Sunlight of the flower fields
And everything else
I once seek
Now and forever
Forever and now
You are the closest to heaven I can get
And I don't want to close my eyes now
For fearing that I will lose you I will give up anything
Just to make this moment last
Everything is completed now with you
And I don't need to go home no more
For this is where I seek
And you are all that I need
Tell me please
That you will stay by me
Until the end of our song

Note: J. has written this for all those whom hate his darker side and for his dear whom called him an morbid asshole. This is specially for you; dear. And so much for talking to me nicely Candice. =)

2005-10-01T11:26:00.000+08:00

<>Child

It fell in anticipation of gravity, the vibration of the wind started to engulf it. As if it was aground, screaming in agony; begging for the very sanity that has being keeping it alive for so long. This journey in the abyss seems never-ending. All upon its eyes were blank now, in total darkness. Twirling around, making its way down the one way hell pit.

The boy looks down as his favourite plush bear fell down on the terrifying height.

"Mum! Teddy fell down!"

Somehow , J wanted to try out something new. Min , he hopes you like this one as well.

test

2004-12-08T11:29:00.000+08:00

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